Am I an Exhibitionist?

My workout buddy has accused me of being an exhibitionist. I had said to him a few times that my counsellor had suggested that because I used to hide from my alcoholic and verbally abusive Dad in my bedroom and did my schoolwork, that I should consider trying to feel seen. I had asked my counsellor whether it is a real need or a perceived need. Do I just need to be emotionally vulnerable and exposed by sharing my story, or do I need to physically be vulnerable and expose myself? He said both.

Why I am not an exhibitionist?

My desire is not to feel seen. I'm not addicted to it. Yes I've exhibited my body in the past and received attention, which I enjoyed as a shadow of the love and connection that I was desiring and missed out of getting from my Dad. When I was on Instagram, I felt the pressure to post from seeing others' posts and the affirmation they received. But I could feel the "thirst trap" that it was, and got off.

What's the reason I get naked with other men?

It's effectively to reverse and escape the feeling of my sexual abuse. When I was sexually abused, I was naked and physically vulnerable, and the male pedophile violated that trust and sexualised the experience. Recreating the setting of being naked and physically vulnerable, yet in the presence of safe men, it helps me feel: 
  1. accepted by other men (instead of being used), 
  2. respected (I choose my boundaries, 
  3. I choose who touches me and who doesn't) and belonging as an equal by other men (I don't have to perform or put up a facade), 
  4. it helps me de-sexualise nudity, 
  5. it helps me reclaim my body (I reconnect with my body as mine), 
  6. it helps me celebrate my masculinity (instead of hiding it and pretending I'm asexual), 
  7. rebuild trust with other men (they're not going to take advantage of me if I'm this vulnerable), 
  8. it was de-shaming (as I was shamed for being male), and 
  9. being nude let's me be completely just me - raw (no appearance, no message on my t-shirt, no brand name clothing, no impression thru activewear, no facade). 
It's just me take it or leave it.

Comments

  1. Anonymous25 August, 2024 14:01

    Very insightful Andre. Thanks for being so vulnerable.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous26 August, 2024 04:43

    Very relatable. My heart is for you

    ReplyDelete
  3. Anonymous26 August, 2024 11:56

    Stay awesome man!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Anonymous27 August, 2024 00:26

    I see you Andre. You a beautiful man and have a beautiful and vulnerable heart.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anonymous28 August, 2024 09:08

    Very well put! I had a tremendous amount of body shame from elementary school on. Thank God I am finally healing from that through my being nude around men that I trust.

    ReplyDelete

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