Outback Jack's Journey

I just sent this to my lawyer: FYI my mental health has been deteriorating over the last several months. At my last two 6-monthly dentist appointments my dentist noticed I have been clenching my teeth and cracking my fillings. I am wearing a night guard to protect against this now.  My sleep quality has deteriorated to the point I need medication to have a decent sleep.  My wife has settled into the former rental property, unpacked, and only living out of a suitcase when living at the old family house. So it’s almost normal for her now. All my stuff is in boxes in the garage and I’m living out of a suitcase when at both properties. So it’s a much more uncertain and uncomfortable time for me.  There are a thousand little tasks to do in preparing the house for sale. She’s smashing through them, and is frustrated I’m not doing the same (that’s also her strength being a J-type in Myers-Briggs). I’ve felt increasingly stressed in my body and needing to hit the gym to de-stress...

Adjectives of relationship with my mother growing up are: smothering, disinterested, distant, stupid, disgust. The one with the most energy is: disgust. The word that best describes my mother growing up is: disgust. Mum would get me to dance on command, then watch me dance, and then comment on how 'beautiful' I was. I liked it to a point, but then it became icky, and I wanted to escape. When jumping into bed in between them in the mornings, I'd spoon Mum, or be spooned by her. She'd often comment that I was a "good little boy", which was nice but I wanted more - something from Dad? She commented on Dad's activities and drinking, which pushed me to have disgust with my Dad, and I bought Mum's point of view, yet felt disgust that she was splitting our family and pushing me away from Dad. I was a trophy to my mother - if I didn't look good, or be "nice", I'd get a scorn oer a frown. I had to be "on" for her. I had to perform , ...

​ Sex ends and you’re handed a towel like you’ve spilled something.   If they start checking their phone like you’re an email that’s already been filed, archived, and emotionally deleted and gone as fast as your boner has deflated, then this is for you. If they shift their body away from yours like they’ve suddenly remembered you’re a stranger, a mild inconvenience, or a man who might ask how their day was, which is obviously unacceptable, then you’re missing that 0.5%. If the air changes, like someone opened a door to a freezer stocked entirely with unresolved trauma and avoidance… yeah. You feel it before you understand it. The temperature drops, the silence gets loud, and suddenly you’re aware of where your clothes are, how far the door is, and how quickly this has gone from “come here” to “okay, so I’ve got an early morning.” Online sex can finish with a wave of a cum covered hand and the one clean finger reaching for the big red 🛑 before the video cuts out.  You realise ...

The Presbyterian Church of the USA wrote an article labelled, Limping Along . Here's my comment to their article:

Identity, Labels, and the Stories We Live By We spend our whole lives figuring out who we are. Not just once, not just during adolescence, but repeatedly—through relationships, through loss, through who or what we love. Through what we fear. Identity is like a living thing. It shifts, grows, breaks, and reforms. Still, we often mistakenly treat it like something that should be simple and fixed: “This is just who I am.” It’s appealing to think identity works that way. A label can feel like clarity. It can offer language for experiences that were once confusing or isolating. It can help us find community. When we finally one that fits, it can feel like finding home. But a label can also become something we cling to too tightly. When a label goes from describing us or our experience to defining us, something changes. We might stop simply being ourselves and begin to associate or perform as we think we’re supposed to. There’s a difference between: I have this experience and This experience...

I just had my post-Crucible Project weekend follow-up group. It is a mix of 6 men in person and 6 online. We shared answers to some questions at different points in our life in pairs, then the other man summarised our answers and shared them in the group. Here's his summary: André experienced wounding early that meant he felt disconnected and fragile, with less than ideal relationships with parents, and smothering by his Mum. His big wounds were: sexual abuse, bullying, and not being seen or supported by his parents. He stumbled thru his teenager years feeling disconnected. His only role model were TV models, like Magnum PI. He suppressed his feelings, yet connected with God, which became his most important relationship. He soothed his wounds through masturbation (& porn). I regret not reconciling with my wife. I’m proud of my girls. They then asked me to consider how God would bless me knowing all of our life. I responded. (I didn't write this down) Then each of the other...