Outback Jack's Journey

This Monday morning I got up and did a 30-min Les Mills Core workout. When I got to the bathroom the pic to the right is similar to what I saw in the mirror (not me as I've committed to not sending shirtless pics of myself, I have chest hair, and a beard, but similar abs and obliques definition). I realised I needed to connect with my unseen child in the shower. I did. He was feeling alone in his bedroom, just wanting a hug from his Dad, to be seen, acknowledged, and for Dad to say, "I'm proud of you just the way you are."  I cried.  It was awesome.

Yesterday my wife and I had a session with our new counsellor, a psychologist, Ruth Holt. It was a good yet hard initial session.  We arrived early because my wife walks really fast (even though she’s shorter than me) so I was sweating even before the session started! 🥵 It was really hard to hear from my wife all the ways I’ve hurt her (lying, doc pics, naked pics, naked video calls, rationalising, etc). I teared up. The counsellor said I looked sad and asked if I wanted to comfort her, and I said I did, but my wife said she didn’t want me to touch her. 😢 Ruth spent about 30-min just talking to me, hearing about my distant father, repeated sexual assault aged 7+8, feeling alone, hating myself, living with a constant fear that I’m in trouble or the cause of everything bad, the inner child + EMDR healing work I’ve done. She asked what I called the dissociative state; I said The Grey Zone. She asked what gets me out of it; I said: an orgasm, sleep, or exercise.  My wife was lik...