Outback Jack's Journey

I have my Brothers Road Zoom coaching group just now. (I really would recommend it) They asked what I'd like to work on. I said I'd like to talk to the part of me that wants to meet men on Instagram and flirt with them to feel seen. The leader got me to connect with that part of me, which is usually late at night and when someone has ignored me or rejected me. He asked what is an earlier time I've felt like this, and it was growing up. My Dad had a desk where he'd study facing away from us at the far end of the lounge room, which we could see from the kitchen and family room. I must have looked at the back of his head thousands of times wanting connection, but if I did disturb him, I'd get shouted at and told not to disturb him. I presumed there was something wrong with me for wanting connection with him. The leader got me to imagine entering that scene as my adult self, approaching little me together with Jesus. We kneel down and hug him, and tell him that there...

We started counselling sharing that we'd had some good times as a family. Sarah raised that we had met on Sunday to discuss out meeting for the financial planner later that day, but our time was shorter than expected as our daughter's shift at Maccas was 30-min earlier. At the end of our meeting, I started to tell Sarah that I'd been accepted into a program in the USA, but got cut off by our other daughter. By the time I was in the car, I realised that I hadn't brought it up, so while driving to pick our daughter, I phoned Sarah to tell her. She said, "Congratulations". I asked if she had any thoughts, and she merely said, "Lots, but I won't share them now." So basically, I have a protective strategy of avoiding conversations and situations that would cause conflict. Our counsellor calls it the "Avoidant Protector." She acknowledged that the Avoidant Protector has been very helpful in my past. She got me to change chairs and to briefly ...

"Devastated", "I am nothing", "I want to vanish and die", "I'm cancelled", "I am unwanted", "I have no friends", "Nobody wants to be my friend" - are the phrases that came to mind as I prepared to write this story.  I’m aged 12, in year 5. It’s a warm school day at Waramanga Primary School in suburban Canberra. I’m leaving the two story brown brick primary school and it’s well after 3pm. I exit the building and walk on the hot blacktop for a few steps before I get to the grass. The playground is bordered by gum trees. I look across the grass towards the underpass which is my route home (see pic above). Between me and the underpass is a large group of kids gathered in a circle around one boy. It seems like it’s everyone from both year 5 classes – about 50 kids. My stomach tightens as I walk closer. I wonder why they’re all gathering? I realise that they’re all gathered around listening to the leader of the cool at...

A week ago my wife said she wanted to live separately from me because I had repeatedly broken boundaries, trust, and she felt hurt and betrayed. In her words:      I have struggled with the way our values seem to be moving apart.       The following things are values I hold strongly but I have seen you seem to be moving away from: Honesty, openness and trust Inner self and character above exterior Love of others with a desire to serve and build up rather than use for own advantage. I've felt sad and numb.  I own that I've broken the boundaries , but am also making progress with why I've broken them. Her 2nd point is basically, 'I've made my exterior, physical, muscular attributes more important than my character.' Since mid-2019, I've worked on building up my physical appearance by working out and lifting weights. But I have also continued working at my inner self and character, but they are not visible. Her 3rd point is basically, 'I've loved mys...