Outback Jack's Journey

My wife and I have each answered the question, "Why are we separating, and not continuing to pursue reconciliation?" Here's my updated statement: I have done some things that unintentionally hurt your Mum and led her to not trust me. Why I did those things is not because I don’t love your Mum. I do love her and you. I still have a some trauma in my life that isn’t fully healed, but which I’m continuing to seek to heal. Trauma is complex; it has made me do things I don’t want to do, I don’t really understand why I’ve done them, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do have to take responsibility for them. Mum has also done things that have hurt me, and am willing to keep working at reconciling and repairing. I continue to love her, I will always be your Dad, and I will always love you. My wife's statement: I have worked hard through our marriage to understand and support Dad with the issues around his trauma. Trust has been broken many times over a number of years an...

After reading this story, please let me know what physical sensations happened in your body, not thoughts (eg not "I felt uncomfortable", but "I felt sick in my stomach"). "Mum, Am I Going to Die?" In primary school, my nose seemed to bleed at anything. If I was knocked, it would bleed. If I was hot, it would bleed. If I exercised, it would bleed. If I was stressed it would bleed. If I sneezed, it would bleed. I couldn't do sport or athletics or run. The propensity of my nose bleeding seriously held me back. My Mum worked at the hospital, and she knew people who knew the best specialists. I went to see an Ear, Nose & Throat specialist. Inside my nose he saw an ulcer that was right over a blood vessel. One of the first things he said was, “I don’t want to cauterise it because that might leave you with a hole between your two nostrils inside your nose and that might make you whistle when you breathe in.” So, he gave me a cream to apply, which we appl...

Today after my workout I went to the sauna and was alone in there. I took two pics and sent them to a mate. I realised that I wanted affirmation from him, but the real need behind that was for Dad to feel proud of me. So with my head under a towel, I focussed on the things I wanted Dad to be proud of me. I realise that I wanted Dad to be proud of me for just being me, but it was easier to recall the big achievements where I really wanted Dad to express that he was proud of me. So here's a list of things I wanted Dad to be proud of me: Coming 3rd in year 6 High Jump. Winning the inter-base department volleyball competition at HMAS Albatross in 1996. Playing basketball (1998) - my Mum and Dad did come to watch me play once, but I was not very good at basketball. I did receive the Most Consistent Player Award, but that was because I didn't know the rules and got fouled off every game! Completing numerous 24-hour team mountain bike races (2010-2014) Finishing various mountain bike ...

For me, I feel repair is still needed with: Feeling rejected by Sarah after discussing my joy of feeling a man after JiM  (We have discussed this and Sarah has asked if it made sense for her to feel hurt, which I agree, but I don't feel she has repaired with me). Rejecting hearing my whole story, particularly how the pedophile tricked me with a game. Rejecting my penis - after asking her to hold it and say, "This is our special thing" to overlay that phrase from my sexual abuser. Rejection from Sarah declining sex, not loving me when I wanted to make love. Not feeling pursued by Sarah. If we get back together, you must  touch me more, and not just when we make love. Declining to read A Bigger World Yet  (she has said it made sense for her not to read it because she was still feeling hurt, which I agree, but I don't feel she has repaired with me). She later (spitefully?) told me she had read the book, but we never discussed it, or what she gained from reading it. Feeli...

I'm at a playground, but I'm not playing. I'm sitting by myself at the highest point waiting for my parents to come. They're late. Nearby is the man who groomed me, seduced me, sexually abused me, and robbed me of first experiencing sexual delight with my wife. On the playground is another boy who he also sexually assaulted in the same bed as me for the last few nights. I don't want anything to do with him or the boy. I want to be with my family.  But my family were not safe, but they were safer than this pedophile and this boy. Dad turns up. I stay seated at the top of the playground. He'd made me promise not to tell my parents. I feel conflicted inside, sick in my stomach. I'm trapped. I don't feel I have anyone I can turn to. I'm sad and confused. I clench my jaw. I'm exhausted. The man said that the sexual touching was, "Our special thing", but that was clearly a lie as he also had been touching the other boy. He was a liar. He had ...

“My father died.” “Oh that must be so hard for you. A father-son relationship is so special. My Dad is the world to me.” But MY father died. It wasn’t hard. I felt relief. I said I didn’t have a great relationship with him. But you're thinking 'Below average' and say, "That’s sad.” But 'not great' really does mean 'non-existent'. Let me tell you. I miss my father. I miss the shouting, the anger, the rage. I miss hiding his grog. I miss hiding in my room, doing schoolwork, being the good little boy.  He's dead, so no more memories. I remember him playing with me once. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. We built a glider, or rather HE did.  It flew once, but it crashed. I kept it for 20 years. Hoping he’d say, “Let’s spend some time together. Let's fly that old glider again!” The glider symbolised hope. Hope for our relationship to get off the ground. Hope of him delighting in me, loving me, trusting me. The glider moved house a few times, but I thre...

I'm working out in the nude. I'm not jerking off or anything sexual. I'm just feeling unseen/rejected/abandoned. I missed going to Brazilian Jujitsu this morning and I'm feeling disconnected from men. My body is responding in Fear, but I’m trying to calm it down.  I do have counselling this arvo, so I’ll process this then. What I'm meant to do at this point is work out where the Fear is coming from: past, present, or future. It is not present, but my body is reacting unconsciously as if it is a present fear.  However, the fear is from the past: where I was rejected in primary school and high school by peers. When I was in year 5, most mornings all the other year 5s would play British Bulldog - a game played on grass where one person was "in" and everyone else ran from one side of the field to the other hoping not to get tagged. Whenever I was "in", I found it very difficult to catch anyone on the first few runs. This resulted in bullying and teas...

I've realised that I've lived most of my life in the FREEZE trauma response, which I've also described as a medium-high level of background anxiety. I've just listened to this podcast episode "The Freeze Trauma Response" When a traumatic event happens or perception of a traumatic event, our Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) triggers the FIGHT or FLIGHT reaction and this happens without thinking,  it's automatic, it's the survival instinct, it all happen below the conscious mind! The Prefrontal Cortex (rational part of the brain) goes offline .         This video explains the Freeze and Fawn (people pleasing) responses However, if we realise that neither the Fight or Flight reactions are viable options, the body goes into the FREEZE response. The Stop! command is given, yet adrenaline is still pumping, which is exhausting. In the animal world, this is when say, a gazelle, can't fight or outrun a tiger, so the body freezes, goes limp, shuts dow...