Outback Jack's Journey

I have my Brothers Road Zoom coaching group just now. (I really would recommend it) They asked what I'd like to work on. I said I'd like to talk to the part of me that wants to meet men on Instagram and flirt with them to feel seen. The leader got me to connect with that part of me, which is usually late at night and when someone has ignored me or rejected me. He asked what is an earlier time I've felt like this, and it was growing up. My Dad had a desk where he'd study facing away from us at the far end of the lounge room, which we could see from the kitchen and family room. I must have looked at the back of his head thousands of times wanting connection, but if I did disturb him, I'd get shouted at and told not to disturb him. I presumed there was something wrong with me for wanting connection with him. The leader got me to imagine entering that scene as my adult self, approaching little me together with Jesus. We kneel down and hug him, and tell him that there...

Today after my workout I went to the sauna and was alone in there. I took two pics and sent them to a mate. I realised that I wanted affirmation from him, but the real need behind that was for Dad to feel proud of me. So with my head under a towel, I focussed on the things I wanted Dad to be proud of me. I realise that I wanted Dad to be proud of me for just being me, but it was easier to recall the big achievements where I really wanted Dad to express that he was proud of me. So here's a list of things I wanted Dad to be proud of me: Coming 3rd in year 6 High Jump. Winning the inter-base department volleyball competition at HMAS Albatross in 1996. Playing basketball (1998) - my Mum and Dad did come to watch me play once, but I was not very good at basketball. I did receive the Most Consistent Player Award, but that was because I didn't know the rules and got fouled off every game! Completing numerous 24-hour team mountain bike races (2010-2014) Finishing various mountain bike ...

Today I received a link to a short 11-min video on  Imagining your Ideal Parents . I had to stop it after 6-min. But in those 6-min, the man in the video got me to imagine three scenes: A scene where my father delighted in spending time with me. He wrestled me. He made an effort to learn cricket, and he'd spent tireless afternoons in the backyard helping me learn how to hit a cricket ball with a cricket bat. Another scene where my parents were attuned to me that they listened to me recount a tragic day where I was bullied and punched at school. The listened, didn't give advice, were attuned to my pain, and reassured me that they loved me. Another scene where my family are doing a bush walk. In reality my father would walk fast and far ahead. I couldn't catch up, despite running. In the new imagined scene, my father is attuned to my tiredness and exhaustion, and he cares deeply. He doesn't blame me for being weak and not keeping up, he apologises for going on such a lon...

We started counselling sharing that we'd had some good times as a family. Sarah raised that we had met on Sunday to discuss out meeting for the financial planner later that day, but our time was shorter than expected as our daughter's shift at Maccas was 30-min earlier. At the end of our meeting, I started to tell Sarah that I'd been accepted into a program in the USA, but got cut off by our other daughter. By the time I was in the car, I realised that I hadn't brought it up, so while driving to pick our daughter, I phoned Sarah to tell her. She said, "Congratulations". I asked if she had any thoughts, and she merely said, "Lots, but I won't share them now." So basically, I have a protective strategy of avoiding conversations and situations that would cause conflict. Our counsellor calls it the "Avoidant Protector." She acknowledged that the Avoidant Protector has been very helpful in my past. She got me to change chairs and to briefly ...

I'm at a playground, but I'm not playing. I'm sitting by myself at the highest point waiting for my parents to come. They're late. Nearby is the man who groomed me, seduced me, sexually abused me, and robbed me of first experiencing sexual delight with my wife. On the playground is another boy who he also sexually assaulted in the same bed as me for the last few nights. I don't want anything to do with him or the boy. I want to be with my family.  But my family were not safe, but they were safer than this pedophile and this boy. Dad turns up. I stay seated at the top of the playground. He'd made me promise not to tell my parents. I feel conflicted inside, sick in my stomach. I'm trapped. I don't feel I have anyone I can turn to. I'm sad and confused. I clench my jaw. I'm exhausted. The man said that the sexual touching was, "Our special thing", but that was clearly a lie as he also had been touching the other boy. He was a liar. He had ...

“My father died.” “Oh that must be so hard for you. A father-son relationship is so special. My Dad is the world to me.” But MY father died. It wasn’t hard. I felt relief. I said I didn’t have a great relationship with him. But you're thinking 'Below average' and say, "That’s sad.” But 'not great' really does mean 'non-existent'. Let me tell you. I miss my father. I miss the shouting, the anger, the rage. I miss hiding his grog. I miss hiding in my room, doing schoolwork, being the good little boy.  He's dead, so no more memories. I remember him playing with me once. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. We built a glider, or rather HE did.  It flew once, but it crashed. I kept it for 20 years. Hoping he’d say, “Let’s spend some time together. Let's fly that old glider again!” The glider symbolised hope. Hope for our relationship to get off the ground. Hope of him delighting in me, loving me, trusting me. The glider moved house a few times, but I thre...

This Monday morning I got up and did a 30-min Les Mills Core workout. When I got to the bathroom the pic to the right is similar to what I saw in the mirror (not me as I've committed to not sending shirtless pics of myself, I have chest hair, and a beard, but similar abs and obliques definition). I realised I needed to connect with my unseen child in the shower. I did. He was feeling alone in his bedroom, just wanting a hug from his Dad, to be seen, acknowledged, and for Dad to say, "I'm proud of you just the way you are."  I cried.  It was awesome.

1. Make a list of 10 stories from your childhood or early adulthood (before 21 years of age) that you would say had a profound effect on your life.  Stories of Wholeness - The first five stories will be about wholeness...a time when you felt wholeness and goodness...justice, delight and belonging. For Stories of Wholeness, 1 is of the least amount of joy and delight and 5 would be the time in your life when you felt all the world was right, the happiest day you remember, etc. Skiing with Anita, Michael, Neil, aged 20. Rank 2. Prowling at night with Matthew, aged 12. Rank 3. Becoming the leader in the final project for my Bachelor of Information Technology, aged 21. Rank 2. Being delighted in by my Uncle Max, aged about 3. Rank 3. Being invited to dinner by Michael, Shane, and Don. Rank 3. 2. Stories of Harm - The second five stories will be a wound story involving an experience of loss, betrayal, powerlessness, or shame. For Stories of Harm, 1 is of the least amount hurt and hearta...

I am known as: André. What others don’t know about me is: I don't value myself. I only give myself value when others hang out with me.  I was sexually abused aged 7 and 8, I struggle to feel I am a "real man", I have lusted after myself and other men. What I struggle to accept about me and my life is that I have value in myself, and that men accept me as a man. I didn't learn much at all about being a man from my father. What I learned about being a man from my mother is that masculinity is physical attributes that you can see. I am like my father: I am assertive. I am like my mother: I often play the "victim", I am selfish. I am different from my father: I can say "I love you", I can apologise for mistakes, I can express emotions, I can see a counsellor and not "lose it", I trust in Jesus. I am different from my mother: I am not a narcissist. What wounds do I carry as a man: I think the masculine characteristics are ones you can see: vis...

1. Family background My Dad was from Canada. He was an alcoholic, always seemed to be angry, and verbally abusive primarily to Mum, but also my sister and I. One year I was asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I said, “One day where Mum and Dad don’t shout.” Every night he would drink and after dinner he would start shouting, mainly at my Mum, but if my sister or I would talk with him, we’d get shouted at too. So I learned to hide in my bedroom and did my schoolwork. I have no memory of him ever saying he loved me. I know many fathers of this generation didn’t, but his actions didn’t show it either. He didn’t spend time with me, he showed no physical affection, no wrestling, no hugging, he paid me no attention, gave no praise and showed no trust. Dad didn't even seem to like being around me. Dad was physically present, but distant. He didn’t raise me. It seemed he couldn’t be bothered or care about me at all. He would only want to spend time with me so I could help him with a pro...

“My father died.” “Oh that must be so hard for you. A father-son relationship is so special.  My Dad is the world to me.” But MY father died. It wasn’t hard. I felt relief.  I said I didn’t have a great relationship with him. But you're thinking 'Below average' and say, "That’s sad.” But 'not great' really does mean 'non-existent'. Let me tell you. I miss my father.  I miss the shouting, the anger, the rage.  I miss hiding his grog.  I miss hiding in my room, doing schoolwork, being the good little boy.  He's dead, so no more memories.  I remember him playing with me once.  It wasn’t what I wanted to do.  We built a glider, or rather HE did.  It flew once, but it crashed.  I kept it for 20 years.  Hoping he’d say, “Let’s spend some time together. Let's fly that old glider again!” The glider symbolised hope. Hope for our relationship to get off the ground. Hope of him delighting in me, loving me, trusting me. The ...