Outback Jack's Journey

Earlier last year (before my back pain came back) I had a triggering experience at the Brazilian Jujitsu place that I’ve been to for years with a coach called Rohan. I stopped going and paused my membership, and I received texts saying, “We’ve noticed that you haven’t been on the mats…” Eventually I met up with the head coach, Mitch, and he suggested that Rohan and I meet up and share our stories. I gave him permission to pass my contact details on to Rohan. Silence. For months. In June, I got excruciating back pain and realised I wouldn’t be wrestling for a while and didn’t bother following up, but I got better and then wondered why Rohan or Mitch hadn’t contacted me to meet up. I investigated some other BJJ places, but they didn’t seem to have the camaraderie of Dark Carnival.  On Monday, my usual staff meeting got cancelled and I decided I wanted to be assertive and find out why. I walked in and the head coach, Mitch, was there. He asked how I was and said he hadn’t seen...

As a 13 year old, I would want my father to have a conversation with me about sexual matters. As a prerequisitie, I would want a close authentic, real, open, and honest relationship with my Dad, which I didn't have. So this would be a fictious, alternate reality version of my Dad. Perhaps not just one "once and done" talk, but several over many months and years. And an open relationship that clearly fostered ongoing discussion and further questions. I would want my Dad to talk about sex in personal ways, not abstract terms. I would want him to talk about body changes as a teen: physical height, muscles, body hair, body odour, changes in penis, love, sex, marriage, girls, relationships. Emotions: anxiety over what didn't happen. Relief and joy over what could have been.