Nightguard by Robert F

Nightguard by Robert F

You grind your teeth, said the doctor.  They will grind to nothing unless you get a night-guard.  It’s just a piece of plastic to bite on in your sleep.  

I’m an infant trying to sleep in my crib, and crying.  I bang a cast on my leg against the crib.  No one comes.  Mom is busy, she is with other men.  Dad is angry.  I have no teeth, no advocate.  I brace for the next blow.

My brother pins this toddler to the floor, his knees pressing my shoulders and arms down.  He beats on my chest, he twists my skin, my nipples.  I cry.  No one comes.  I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

My father is very angry.  He spanks me.  Did I break the garbage can, climbing on it?  Did I lie about it?  I am afraid of him. 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

My brother hides in my room with a distorted mask.  He jumps out to frighten me when I walk in.  I scream.  I lie awake at night, afraid of my dreams and the demon monsters that lurk. 
I clinch my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

The playground is full of children.  They jeer at me.  They call me gay and queer.  What is that?  They push me and hit me.  It doesn’t stop. 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

The children now want me.  They are all playing a game with their pants down.  A girl is servicing them.  They want me to try it.  I refuse, but give in.  She is forced on me.  That feels good.  I forgot what happened in first grade. 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

Not quite a teen yet, other boys want to play with me.  I am tied down, playing the hero who is tortured by a villain.  They torture me with different things. They pleasure me as well.  Is this male affection? 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

My Mom is having an affair with his father.  He treats me like a woman in sexual play.  He turns me over.  What is he doing?  That’s gross.  I feel violated and emasculated, but I don’t know why.  I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.

My girlfriend seems distant and uninterested.  I drive by her house.  My best friend’s car is parked there.  Is this male friendship? 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

A happy wife equals a happy life.  Her needs matter, mine do not.  Her goals matter, my mission and purpose do not.  I don’t matter.  Is this the love of a woman? 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

That mistake you made was too costly to the business.  I’m sorry, we do not need your services anymore.  Your position has been eliminated.  We have selected another candidate.  We aren’t hiring privileged men like you right now. 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

How dare you express how you were hurt as a child?  How dare you voice your unmet needs?  Are you trying to hurt your mother?  Don’t ever talk to her again. 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

Where is my parent?  Where is my brother?  Where is my friend?   Where is my protector?  Where is my guardian angel?  Where is God? 
I clench my teeth, bracing for the next blow.  

Doctor, I’m not sure why I grind my teeth.  That’s really unusual that I would abuse myself like that.  I’m not sure where I learned that. 
This piece of plastic will protect me. 
I clench my teeth hard against the plastic, bracing for the next blow.