The word that best describes my mother growing up is...

Adjectives of relationship with my mother growing up are: smothering, disinterested, distant, stupid, disgust. The one with the most energy is: disgust.

The word that best describes my mother growing up is: disgust.

Mum would get me to dance on command, then watch me dance, and then comment on how 'beautiful' I was. I liked it to a point, but then it became icky, and I wanted to escape.

When jumping into bed in between them in the mornings, I'd spoon Mum, or be spooned by her.

She'd often comment that I was a "good little boy", which was nice but I wanted more - something from Dad?

She commented on Dad's activities and drinking, which pushed me to have disgust with my Dad, and I bought Mum's point of view, yet felt disgust that she was splitting our family and pushing me away from Dad.

I was a trophy to my mother - if I didn't look good, or be "nice", I'd get a scorn oer a frown. I had to be "on" for her. I had to perform , present well, but part of me felt icky (disgust?) that I couldn't just be real, and be me.

Mum wanted me to be a male ballerina, which seemed cool (I believed her) as I could be near other men with bulges, yet I felt disgust that she was pushing me tinot an embarrassing profession to most other men and women.

When I had mosquito bites or sabs on my arms and legs, Mum would paint a brown Benzine ointment liquid onto them to help them heal, but it looked stupid. I felt embarrassed at school with all these brown dots on my arms and legs.

When going to church, i'd wear this pale blue jacket, which i didn't like.

Mum would buy clothing with green frogs on it, and buy random things that were frogs, like a green frog stapler - they were disgusting looking things.

She bought a battery-operated wall plaque with a fish on it that would talk or sing. it was stupid.

Mum drove a 2-door Porsche sports car, which was impractical for a family of 4, and which I felt was selfish. I felt unimportant and bypassed and unseen getting into and out of it. She was the only person who really mattered in her world.

I felt protected and nurtured by Mum, yet with a tinge of smothering and somehow sucking life from me.