Chest disassociation counselling

On Wednesday I met with Bobby on Skype to talk through the drama of the last week: the high of the extremely affirming hug Doug gave me, then the low of realising that was a boundary breach, together with the surprising discovery of being disassociated from my chest. So we did EMDR thinking about the scene of my abuse in the hotel bed with Haddin somewhere on Vancouver Island when I was 8.

(The following greyed out text describes grooming and may be disturbing. Scroll down to skip, or highlight to read)

I recalled being in bed. He was reaching over and starting to unbutton my pyjama top. I felt an icky, alarming feeling as I don't recall anyone ever unbuttoning my clothes before. This is wrong. But he complimented me, assured me it was okay, and then the feeling of his skin rubbing my chest was comforting. Touch from a man was so foreign. He then pulled my pants down and fondled my penis. That felt good. Dad hadn't ever done this. Dad didn't love me, but this man did. I do recall having to ask him to stop touching me as it got to the point of pain. This happened for 2-3 nights.

Then another boy was in the bed too. Again he pulled my pants down. Then his attention went to the other boy. They were giggling and making sounds and I realised Haddin was playing with that boy's penis too! He had said it was "Our special thing". He was a liar.

I pulled my pants up. 

He reached over and discovered that my pyjama pants were up, so he pulled them down again. His attention and hands went to the the other boy. 

I pulled my pants up again.

He reached over again and again discovered my pyjama pants were up. He said, "You don't want to play?" I said, "No." 

I lay there and listened to him "play" with the other boy.

"So I'm not really special after all."

Bobby asked me to spend some time connecting with my 8-year old self where I'll do the following and record the audio of the interaction:

1. Golden Father speech is slow. Ask "Little André, how do you feel about what you've gone through?"
2. As my adult self, speak truth through the situation: "He was sly, you were innocent. This was not your fault." Speak as much truth to him, like: "Men are not supposed to this. This man was selfish, using you."
3. Tell 8-year old self: "What I love about him... ", Spell out his goodness to him. Tell him about his gifts and talents that God has given him, things he was interested in. Tell him, "It wasn't fair for that man to do that to you, not having any instructions from Mum & Dad about not letting anyone touching you in your special place."
4. Tell him: "What I want for you as he grows up...", "What I want for you sexually is ...", "Sexuality is meant to be between men and women, not men and men, for making children. Sex creates children, but God creates souls, which will live forever."
5. Tell him, "How I feel towards you is ...", "I have his back. He can count on me. I'll always be there for him. He can talk to me about anything and get the truth."
6. Ask "How are you feeling?" Ensure he's feeling joy and peace and connection. I want him to be able to remember the situation without the pain, without any guilt or pain. He was just an innocent little boy, who was taken advantage of.
7. Stop the recording. Play the audio recording of my adult self back to my 8-year-old self a few times. Hold a pillow while listening to it.
8. Ask him if there's anything else he'd like to say. Then record anything he says.

In another counselling session attempting to grieve rejection and abandonment, the strongest scenes were bullying by peers in primary and high school. The words that conveyed the opposite were "lifted up" by peers. 

Homework was: Daily EMDR tapping 10-15 sec while focussing on "Lifted Up" for 2-3 min.