"My chest belongs to me"

Today I did an exercise in "Healing Trauma" where I put my hand under a pulsing shower and felt the water on my hand and said, "This is my hand. My hand belongs to me. My hand is part of my body." Then I move on to my forearm, my bicep, my shoulder, my feet, my lower legs, my upper legs, my abs, my chest, neck, face and head. But when I got to my chest I couldn't say, "My chest belongs to me". Instead I just cried. Eventually the words through my torn up face were, "It's mine! It belongs to me!" Eventually I stopped crying, so I tried saying the words again, but again it was very difficult to say the words and I cried again. This happened again. Then I was too tired to try again or continue onto my neck and head.

I expect this dissociation of my chest from my body relates to my abuse somehow. It also would explain why I see other men's chests as the feature that defines "a real man".

I walked the dog with my wife and shared a briefer version of the grief work with her. 

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Update Aug-2023: I've realised that when I was sexually abused by the pedophile aged 8, he would first unbutton my pyjama top and then touch my chest. I've probably disassociated from that part of my body, so I didn't have to feel the abuse. It's likely that I continued to live feeling incomplete as a boy (I didn't feel I had a chest), and wanted a chest. That explains why I am attracted to men with big chests. I see a man's chest as the defining physical feature of a man. And when men compliment my chest, it doesn't seem to register.

I'm seeking to do Somatic Therapy to help me re-member my chest with the rest of my body. I'm reading:

1. Sexual Healing by Peter Levine
2. Healing Trauma by Peter Levine
3. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk