Boundaries & Golden Father Holding

My Boundaries September 2021 

I will keep sexual or romantic conduct/contact only with my wife (so with anyone else I will not engage in: erotic chat, requesting/sending erotic or naked pictures, naked video, touching in the underwear area, cuddling, etc).  To meet my needs safely, I will:

1. Meet with other SSA men in public*. 
2. If a private situation with an SSA man is unavoidable, I will: check in before with my support men (Matt, Paul, Owie, Richard, Doug, Scott), give an expected timeframe, and check in at the end. I will also notify the other man that no touching is to occur in that time of being in private.
3. Have non-sexual physical contact with other SSA men in public*, such as hugs (but no touching in the underwear area). Any ‘holding’ to be done only with having at least one other person present and holding done visualising the ‘golden father’ in line with Brother’s Road guidelines for ‘golden father holding’. 
4. Engage in any non-sexual nudity only if 3 or more men are present in-person, the location is legal, such as a Korean spa, and there is no touching.

* 'Public' situations are where there are 3 or more people present in-person. Public settings where other people are not present is a private situation, such as a hike or a car trip.

My Wife's Boundaries September 2021 

No sexual or romantic conduct with another man or woman outside our marriage.

This includes an unhealthy emotional connection.

Any form of genital contact (even through clothing), naked holding, romantic kissing, erotic chat (including by phone, text, email, internet), taking, sending, exchanging, or requesting naked pictures, naked or erotic webcamming — or similar behaviours —regardless of your intentions and regardless of who initiated it.

Any ‘holding’ to be done only within the Brother’s Road guidelines for ‘golden father holding’.

Golden Father Holding Guidelines (aka Inner-Child Holding) 

At Journey Into Manhood, we offered you an opportunity to receive safe, non-sexual, platonic holding. In our community, we usually call this Golden Father Holding. That helps us maintain its healing focus.

We were in sacred space. We were in a safe container. It was done in small groups, with others present. It was done fully clothed. It was done with healing intent. It was done after asking permission. 

Platonic holding is just one of the ways that men can express connection and affection for each other. Other ways include spending time together, enjoying activities together, working on a shared project together, or giving words of affirmation or acts of service. Touch, however, is a very powerful way of connecting. It is, after all, the first way that we learned to connect to other human beings—before we could speak or even see clearly. 

Some men, craving touch, have tried to recreate what we do in sacred space in UNsafe ways in their everyday lives. Touch can quickly become sexual, or co-dependent, and even manipulative if it is not facilitated in a safe container. Some people even mistakenly call this "cuddling"—which is a big warning sign that it is probably NOT a platonic, healing process. The kind of holding we teach through Brothers Road is a facilitated process. We provide affirming, non-sexual, Golden Father holding in facilitated group processes with focused, healing intent. That is very different from "cuddling." 

GOLDEN FATHER and INNER CHILD 

Golden Father Holding is usually about meeting the needs and healing the wounds of the little boy. In order for holding to accomplish this, the man being held must make himself very vulnerable. And vulnerability sometimes creates sexual feelings. 

Wounded little boys can't heal other wounded little boys. It takes Golden Father energy to heal a hurting boy. Golden Father energy is not sexual. An emotionally healthy father would never try to heal his son's wounds by having sex with him. That is abuse. 

CREATING SAFETY

Golden Father energy is more safely created in conscious male communities of three or more men. Groups that include emotionally healthy, mature men who do not experience same-sex attractions themselves can often help co-create an even safer, more healing space. 

You may find that platonic holding will be an important part of your healing work. If that is the case for you, we invite you to seek Golden Father Holding in SAFE situations following the workshop. 

Some of the safe ways men have received Golden Father Holding include: 

• Joining or creating a men's group that offers supportive, platonic holding as part of the men's work.
• Taking the risk to ask men who do not experience same-sex attraction for hugs or holding like we modelled here tonight.
• Offering and asking for hugs from friends, family members, pastors, rabbis and others. 

We also offer you the following cautions: 

• Don't engage in holding with strangers or with men you've just met, even if they've also been through Journey Into Manhood, unless it is facilitated in group that has established a safe container.
• Don't engage in holding while watching a movie or television or similar activities. You wouldn't attempt to do "guts" work with the TV on. Similarly, don't engage in a holding process with the TV on. The distraction of these media lessens attention to present time and place, making it impossible to create a conscious, safe container. 

Even Golden Father Holding can cause a man to become physically aroused. This is not at all unnatural, even for a non-SSA man. That alone does not necessarily mean a situation is becoming sexual, lustful or counter-productive. What a man is feeling in his bead—whether brotherly love and affirmation or lust and sexual desire – is a better indicator of whether platonic holding is likely to be healing than whatever is going on in his groin. 

GUIDELINES

Brothers Road STRONGLY urges you to follow the guidelines below any time that you seek out Golden Father Holding. In fact, Journey Into Manhood staff commit to follow these guidelines in their everyday lives as a condition of their eligibility to staff our events. 

1. Golden Father Holding is ALWAYS done with full permission of all participants.
2. Golden Father Holding is done among THREE or more men, or with a healthy, emotionally mature man who has never experienced SSA. DO NOT ENGAGE IN HOLDING ONE-TO-ONE WITH ANOTHER SSA STRUGGLER IN A PRIVATE SETTING. 
3. Golden Father Holding is ALWAYS done with healing intent—with one man clearly in the role of the loving, protective Golden Father and another man clearly in the role of the Inner Child, receiving nonsexual holding from his Golden Father and loving brothers.
4. Golden Father Holding NEVER involves erotic touch, nor is it done in sexual positions (such as lying down or lying on top of each other) or places (such as on a bed).
5. Golden Father Holding is done FULLY CLOTHED. Combining holding with nudity—even partial nudity (shirtless, for example)—can easily create an erotic context.
6. Golden Father Holding is always done completely sober, never after drinking or using drugs.
7. Golden Father Holding is NOT "cuddling" or "snuggling." It is a facilitated, non-sexual, GROUP process done for healing or affirming purposes where ONE man is the intended focus of the healing work. 
8. Golden Father Holding is not done while watching a movie or any similar activity that would distract the participants from the healing focus of the group process. 

Married men: If you engage in inner child holding work, you are strongly encouraged to share this page with your wife in advance and get her support.