Crucible Project Questions

1. I am known as: André.
2. What others don’t know about me is: I don't value myself. I only give myself value when others hang out with me. 
   I was sexually abused aged 7 and 8, I struggle to feel I am a "real man", I have lusted after myself and other men.
3. What I struggle to accept about me and my life is that I have value in myself, and that men accept me as a man.
4. I didn't learn much at all about being a man from my father.
   What I learned about being a man from my mother is that masculinity is physical attributes that you can see.
5. I am like my father: I am assertive.
6. I am like my mother: I often play the "victim", I am selfish.
7. I am different from my father: I can say "I love you", I can apologise for mistakes, I can express emotions, I can see a counsellor and not "lose it", I trust in Jesus.
8. I am different from my mother: I am not a narcissist.
9. What wounds do I carry as a man: I think the masculine characteristics are ones you can see: visible strength and good looks. 
10. What wounds do I carry from my father: I have no value, I am defective/incomplete/insufficient as a man.
    The wounds given through long-term neglect, lack of love, lack of delight, lack of being desired as a person, despite being present. Not showing me that real masculinity is strength of character and sacrifice.
    The message of the wounds was: I have no value, I am shameful, stupid. 
    These wounds impacted my life as a man: I don't believe I am a real man.
11. What wounds do I carry from my mother? She inadvertently pushed me away from my Dad and idealised physical male characteristics. 
    How were the wounds given? She repeatedly told me to "Not be like my father". She idolised male physical attributes on TV.   
    What was the message of the wounds? Everything about men is bad: anger, assertiveness, masculinity. 
    How have these wounds impacted my life as a man? I did not fight back at school, I was passive, the "victim". I believed I had no value. I did not quality being accepted as a man. I don't set goals. 
12. What’s missing in my life: deep connection with my wife.   I want to experience breakthroughs with: feeling secure in myself 
13. What are the current dilemmas I’m wrestling with in my life: learning how to love myself without being selfish and neglecting my family.
14. My relationship with God is like my earthly father - distant. I read my Bible daily. I know Jesus personally loves me, but I don't feel it daily. I love the relief that I feel knowing my sins are forgiven. I'm thankful that I'm chosen. I find it hard to really feel that I'm seen as washed and clean, and an heir and Jesus' brother. I want to Seek God's Kingdom first, but I know I don't.
15. Where am I out of integrity in my life:
    A. I prioritise my healing (such as my touch needs from deprivation) over God and over honouring and loving my wife, and seeking God's Kingdom first.
    B. I outsource my value to others. If others connect with me, affirm me, or touch me, I am OK, but if they don't I feel like I have no value.
    C. if overwhelmed by a number of triggers that are similar to childhood traumas, I can seek affirmation of my body from strong manly-looking men hoping to gain some of their masculinity or try to gain some of the masculinity by looking lustfully at strong manly-looking men. 
16. Where in my life am I blocking the flow of God’s grace: I don't trust God has my best interests at heart. I feel I need to get my needs myself - that I've been lacking for SO many years. I feel my wife is not with me - distant and not touching me, but she is trying to love and care for me.
17. Where in my life am I holding back and playing it safe? I dunno.
    What is holding me back? My lack of trusting God is holding me back, and ruining my marriage. Explain. 

What are your reactions to my answers? Do you see similar or different things?