Gym affection

Doug and I did Body Pump on Monday and had been in the sauna a few times and showered a few times. After the final shower, we sat on the bench with our towels wrapped around our waists resting, waiting for our bodies to stop sweating a bit more before getting dressed. He put his arm on my shoulder and said, "I think you're awesome man."

My towel had dropped over my legs so my penis was exposed. As he said that and showed me some affection, I got a boner.

I was seated near the entrance to the locker room and there seemed to be a lot of men walking in who would have easily seen my hard penis. I felt the temptation to cover it up out of shame. 

The fear and shame of being labelled as "gay" is dreadful. That had happened in the past. I had boys in year 10 bullied me saying I was gay, and denying it only made it worse! Once they'd said it, it was like mud that stuck. It's a few simple words that crushed my identity and masculinity. That experience led me to take every and all actions to show the world that I'm a real man, and not gay.

Back in the present, I was curious. I asked myself, "What's going on here?" I felt it was my body saying, "You've craved this physical touch, affection, closeness, trust with Dad and men all your life (and even sexualised it). Now you're finally getting it and it's wonderful." Basically it's my body screaming out "Finally! Thank you!"

I remembered that I didn't get any affection from my Dad, yet I craved it. When I did get affection, it was from a man who wanted to get into my pants.  But I knew this was not a sexual situation, yet my body was expecting it. So I just pushed through it and gave myself some grace, and accept the genuine affection from a close, safe, trusted friend who wasn't going to sexualise or assault me. And I was able to accept the compliment and say, "Thanks man."

So I just looked down at my penis and admired it. (It does look good, and it's very straight).

Doug saw it too. He didn't do anything, except keep his arm around my shoulder and gave me more affirmation. The short-term aroused state of my penis didn't change his affection or his love.

We would have looked like a gay couple with one man turning the other one on! But he didn't care. And that's what I was worried about - the perception of other men! I realised, "My value does not come from other people" and "I'm not wanting to be sexual with Doug. I haven't ever lusted after him. He's a friend. I don't have to be afraid other men will think we're having a sexual moment when we're not. So stuff what other men might think."

Yes that was a traumatic event in the past, but that was not happening in the present. So I just tried to stay present. I received his affection, I stopped stressing about what happened in the past or what might happen. 

About a minute later it had gone down.