Hopes Crushed

I had been wanting to go to a Journey Into Manhood weekend for years. I was waiting for it to be "more convenient", like for it to be in Asia or the east coast of the USA, or next door, and cost nothing! Finally I decided it was the one thing I knew would help, and the cost to my sanity and repeatedly being out of integrity with my values because of my same sex lust was growing. I realised it was the biggest issue in my life and I was hardly spending any money on it. I was giving thousands of dollars to ministries and missionaries, but not valuing my mental and spiritual health. So I spent the money on flying across the Pacific, and even all the way to Indiana.

The Journey Into Manhood weekend was transformational. I realised I was not alone. I realised I wasn't so weird. I realised I was good looking. I realised that the people who called me their friend weren't just faking it or tolerating me, they genuinely liked me, and I began to like myself too. I realised I was loveable, and began to love myself. Even more revolutionary was that I realised I was a man. I belonged in the world of men. I no longer defined myself as outside the circle of "real men", but now inside it. I could eyeball men as equals and nod in respect of the other man; I no longer looked at the ground avoiding eye contact feeling shamefully "less" than a real man. I realised I had restrained myself. It was me who was holding me back, stopping me from living the reality that I was a man, a fully-fledged, life-long member of The Man Club! I was excited to get home and share this new reality with my wife, family, friends. I looked forward to flying... no better than that: soaring!

I managed to get an early flight from Sydney to Canberra as I had no check-in baggage. The gate staff was impressed I'd flown from Dallas with only a carry-on bag. I texted my wife and because of the earlier flight, she would pick me up at the airport. She picked me up and we drove a short distance to a café where I excitedly began to share all of what I had learned about myself.  I shared that I discovered that I was good looking. She said, "I tell you that you're good looking all the time." "I know, but you're my wife and you have to say that. I needed to hear it from a man." 

Somehow the conversation turned to talking about the man who I'd known from the Zoom group for a few months before, and who I met up with at Dallas airport, flew with to Indianapolis, and then bussed to the small town where the JiM weekend was running. I shared that on the plane and on the bus that we had held hands, and he was not repulsed or horrified to touch me. It was affirming and masculine. I was trying to convey the delight and the amazing feeling of receiving non-sexual, platonic touch from another men and the value I felt I had... when I realised my wife was showing signs of disappointment. I tried to explain how awesome it was, when her disappointment turned to anger.

She had heard during the JiM weekend from the wife of my friend that her husband had held another man’s hand and she knew I’d traveled with him and that I must have been that man. 

She didn’t believe me when I said it wasn’t sexual, but brotherly and extremely affirming and conveyed that I had value. I had assumed that nobody would ever want to touch me, but here was a man who was delighted to hold my hand and receive my delight as a friend and brother. He clearly trusted me. He was a strong manly man, very similar to me, and I felt my own masculinity as a result of this contact. It was affirming and helpful.

But my wife clearly was not listening and was seeing this contact as me betraying our marriage. 

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I came back from my JiM weekend 3.5 years ago.

I was so excited to share with you what I had learned, I felt I was turning over a new leaf in my self awareness, my masculinity. I was excited about the future. I recognised what my missing needs were, and how to get them met in healthy ways, and I was focussed on that. 

I was ignorant about how hurt and betrayed she felt.

I realised the fear has been in the background for the last 3.5 years. Because during those two weeks  when her response was to withdraw and give me the silent treatment/cold shoulder. I had suicidal thoughts for the only time in my life. I was in extreme stress. I felt like I'd lost the relationship I had with her.

I hadn't anticipated how she would react and feel. It didn't occur to me she would be devastated.

I was trying to get all my same sex needs met in one person.

At the end of the JiM weekend, realised I needed a tribe/group of men to support me.

I know she wants me to connect with her as the first person I turn to in my emotional needs.

I can appreciate that she felt hurt and that I didn't intend to hurt her, yet she still did feel hurt. I can understand that I made mistakes and that they were hurtful to her.

I've tried to make her #1, but I haven't felt safe. I'm sure she felt the same.

I can remember life before this rupture, when we both trusted, felt safe, and didn't have Fear of one another. I take responsibility for damaging it.

How I felt has stayed with me in the background without me realising it.

I have Fear. I hadn't realised it was way back from coming back from JiM and feeling my hopes crushed.

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At the end of 2020, I started getting attention from men, and it was a substitute for what I should have got from Dad: Attention, Affection, Approval, Acceptance, Affirmation, Belonging, Brotherly love.

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During counselling my wife kept saying she feels like it is her fault. She did ask what the Fear was about and asked if it was fear of the consequences of being honest. That's true, but I've personalised it that she's scary.

She said she's trying to move on from the past, yet brought up that one of the most devastating incidents was just after our daughter was born where I confessed to her that I'd been lonely and looked at porn.

She expressed concern that I was spending a considerable amount of effort on myself: individual counselling with two counsellors, Brothers Road weekly Zoom, Crucible Project, church support group, online chat groups, personal exercise.

She's tried not to trigger me, which is loving, but exhausting. 

She noticed that I'd bought single bed sheets and asked about where they had gone. I said that I was using them on a single bed at Doug's. She didn't think I was staying with Doug, as I'd said I wasn't, but I clearly was now. She said she needs to know this, as this was withholding information from her, and not being open and honest, which would build trust. 🙁