"You missed it. The cake is all gone!"

It's 4am and I'm awake. I'm with my kids this week, but they're in bed. About 11:30pm last night I was feeling fear and sadness because I felt alone and valueless. I wanted to get value from being with other people, or at least being noticed and valued by someone. I tried reminding myself that all the men from the Crucible Project weekend valued me and loved me, but it was connecting with Doug and Scott that helped me find some value before I headed to bed. 

I was curious, "What's behind the feeling scared and rejected? When did I first feel this way?"

I felt alone after I refused the sexual advances of the pedophile in the hotel on Vancouver Island after he began sexually assaulting another boy in the same bed. I was physically close to him, yet incredibly distant as the man "played" with the other boy right next to me. I felt alone dragging myself through the days that followed until I was taken to a playground where we would meet my parents. But they were late. The man and the other boy played, but I was empty and numb.  I just stood on the top of vertical log high and away from them. Finally my Dad arrived and I was back in my parents' care, I was alive yet lifeless. Just numb.

I felt alone after my Dad took me to a birthday party for Nicholas Smeaton on Nemerang Cresent.  We had the party invite, which said it was from 1-4pm, but Dad read it wrong and took me to the party at 4pm! I turned up and there were lots of cars on the streets with happy boys flooding out of the house with their parents. "You missed the party!", "It's all over now!" I was shocked and devastated.

I walked into the lounge room, which had balloons, decorations, and confetti, and had clearly just experienced a lot of joy. "All the cake is gone." said the mother. I was just numb and secretly angry at my Dad. I never heard him apologise; he'd just read the finish time as the start time. I can recall sitting in the room being surrounded by Nick's family and friends, but I was all alone. Again all the life inside me was gone; just numb.

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