When I feel abandoned, why do I workout nude?

I'm working out in the nude.

I'm not jerking off or anything sexual. I'm just feeling unseen/rejected/abandoned. I missed going to Brazilian Jujitsu this morning and I'm feeling disconnected from men. My body is responding in Fear, but I’m trying to calm it down. 

I do have counselling this arvo, so I’ll process this then. What I'm meant to do at this point is work out where the Fear is coming from: past, present, or future. It is not present, but my body is reacting unconsciously as if it is a present fear. 

However, the fear is from the past: where I was rejected in primary school and high school by peers. When I was in year 5, most mornings all the other year 5s would play British Bulldog - a game played on grass where one person was "in" and everyone else ran from one side of the field to the other hoping not to get tagged. Whenever I was "in", I found it very difficult to catch anyone on the first few runs. This resulted in bullying and teasing.

Also in year 5, I had an extremely distressing rejection incident. As I was leaving the school, I had to walk across the school grounds. Gathered in a circle in the middle of the school grounds seemed like all 50 kids from year 5. I got my hopes up that I might gain acceptance and join the group unnoticed and join in what they were doing or going to do. Unfortunately I am too tall to be able to do that unnoticed. When I joined the group, the ringleader, Guy Cannon, who was standing in the middle of the circle, said to me, "This isn't for you André. Get lost!" Sheepishly I started walking off, but around the circle. I hoped I might appear to walk off but stop at the other side and continue listening. I got to the far side and stopped. But Guy saw me, stopped talked, and glared at me. Everyone turned and stared at me too. He said, "Get lost André!" I was crushed. I'm sure I slumped in my posture, turned and walked off. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I felt incredible rejected by "everyone", abandoned, and alone.

All through high school, I felt rejected. I had some friends but it felt like they were the "rejects" - the other kids who also didn't have any friends. For one year (year 9?) at lunchtimes, we would hide in a classroom and play board games. At the end of year 10, I was teased, bullied and called "gay" whenever I would walk into school. So I would hide in the library before school, during recess, and at lunch. It was an extremely lonely two weeks.

The feeling of fear in my body is likely from all of those incidents and more. I'm trying to calm my body down. I'm working out, so that helps.

Why do I take my clothes off and work out naked?

I want to be seen physically. I think masculinity is physical and what you can see, not character traits or characteristics. So I want connect with my body physically, feel grounded. Sometimes I can be aware I want to feel seen. I want to be seen physically because I feel ignored, slighted, rejected, or fobbed off by someone. So I attempt to see myself. I will usually try to connect with supportive friends who are awake until I manage to connect with someone.

Why do I want to be seen naked?

To see that I am like other men, and know that I'm the same, I belong, know I measure up, and know I'm also a man. As a boy I felt ignored, bypassed, unvalued by Dad and other boys. I want to be acknowledged, noticed, affirmed, seen, accepted, included, and valued - for who I really am, with no façade. I want to be with other naked men to feel trusted and accepted by them - if they're naked, then they trust me, I belong, I feel we are the same.  I feel this in the sauna and locker room - I feel I belong.

Why do I want to work out and have a muscular body?

I feel more connected with my body. As a boy I wanted to be confident like the sporty popular jocks, and I sexualised them. I think that to be a "real man", I need to be muscular (which I know is not true). So if I am muscular, then I must be a "real man" and I can silence my inner critic who says that I'm weak.  It's also healthy and helps me with Brazilian Jujitsu.