Expectations

Here are some things that I have silently expected, and been disappointed when they've not been met, and probably triggered.

Wife:

  • I have expected my wife to touch me constantly, to help soothe and calm me.
  • I have expected my wife to want to be near me and touch me whenever she's nearby.
  • I have expected my wife to desire me sexually and want to make love to me daily, or at least 3x/week.
  • I have wished my wife would be sexually adventurous trying different positions and locations, like those alluded to in Song of Songs.
My local support friends: Doug, Matt, Richard, Phil, Andy, Peter, Owie: 
  • I have expected these men to initiate hugs with me every day I see them.
  • I have expected these men to understand me, understand my SSA needs, be keen to research SSA material, be compassionate, be curious, love me, defend me, be on "my side", and be my advocate.
  • I have expected these men to respond to group texts (reading linked articles and videos) within a few hours and show support by commenting.
  • I have expected these 
Doug:
  • I have expected Doug to be my best friend, and meet all my touch needs.
  • I have expected Doug to respond to my text messages within a few minutes of receiving them.
  • I have expected Doug to be available whenever I was, and want me to spend time with him.
Robert
  • I expect Robert to be able to respond to my text messages within an hour or two.
  • I expect Robert to want to prioritise working out with me. 
I expect everyone else to read my mind! 

Where did these expectations come from?
  • TV shows where married couples finish each others' sentences.
  • Bible - to be less sinful than yesterday
Self expectations:
  • I expect myself to be an excellent husband and father and Christian. 
  • I expect myself to be strong, fit, and healthy.
  • I should be a good father and husband
  • I should be fit
  • I should not be self-absorbed
  • I should be independent 
  • I should be responsible for my behaviour
  • I should not just talk about myself in conversations
Q1. Are these realistic?
Q2. What constitutes this? What do I need to do to achieve it?

Most of these are summed up in:
  • I should not upset others
If others get upset, then it's my fault, and I will get hurt.

This is logic that saved me when I was very, very young. I don't need it now.

Comments

  1. Anonymous30 June, 2023 00:51

    I have just been though a relationship where I was expected to be the sun moon and stars for someone else. It's exhausting, manipulative and abusive. The only way a relationship offers value is where you GIVE to the other party freely, and receive from them what they can offer to you. We don't have relationship and social needs. We have gifts to give and aches that can be soothed and comforted by others, but we don't have 'needs' that can be met by anyone other than ourselves, or by God.

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