"If I'm completely honest..."

#050060121 Art Print by Royo Liu
If I am completely honest and uncensored, part of my wants to see and be seen naked, touch, and be touched by other men, and be sexual because:

I want to be desired by someone, desperately, eagerly desired, worshipped by someone. I want to know someone loves me and loves my penis, and desires to be close and touch me. I want to feel pleasure, delight, and orgasm.

I want to know who I am, see and compare myself to other men. I want to be curious, know the different variations of penises.

#050060172 Art PrintI want to be the object of someone's lust. I want to hear them cry my name out because they WANT me BAD. I want to matter to someone. I want to be wanted, pursued, I want someone to thirst for me, to be completely transfixed, mesmerised, captivated. I want them to no notice anything in the world, BUT ME! 


I want to be valued, seen, appreciated, that I matter, I am important to someone. I want someone to want and value me - all of me!

I want someone to love my penis like I do. I want them to pleasure me, feel pleasure from someone's touch. I want someone to want me to feel awesome. I want someone to love me, to notice me, to seek my pleasure. I want to matter to someone, to be valued. 

#030040126 Art Print

I want to be sexual to feel alive, pleasure. I want to connect with my body, to feel all of me, to feel masculine, powerful, strong. I want to feel like a man. I want to groan in delight, show someone that they matter. I want to feel powerful, manly strong. 

I want to be touched so someone can show they care, they're interested in me, they want me. I want to be desired, valued, loved, pursued, delighted in, I want to matter to someone.

I want to be seen by men, and see their attraction to me. I want to be wanted. 

I want to be trusted, accepted, included, valued.

I want to feel amazing, uncontrolled pleasure and delight.


Comments

  1. Anonymous22 October, 2024 22:53

    Thank you for your honesty and vulnerability. It takes a lot of courage to do this. I would love to engage this with curiosity and care for your heart.

    Questions to ponder:
    1. Are the things you desire intrinsically things that lead to flourishing in your life or things that would be ultimately harmful in you pursuing who you most want to be? Are these things you want needs or desires?

    2. What are your earliest or most intense memories (before 21) when you recall these needs/wants emerging in your heart/mind because they were not being met in your closest relationships? Or, are there experiences where they were met in a sexual way before your body, emotions and personality were ready for sexual experience? Or, some combination of both?

    3. What are your earliest sexual/romantic fantasies?

    4. Which of the above desires hold the deepest disappointment for you? Where in the above do you see you have suffered the most sexual harm (different from sexual abuse) and where have you possibly suffered sexual abuse? Where has your heart been broken? Which hold the deepest sense of shame (the embodied sense that there is something really wrong with you and you will not be enjoyed)?

    5. What of the above most arouses you?

    6. How did you learn about your penis? Erections? Masturbation? Ejaculations? Orgasms? Pornography?

    7. What was your first sexual experience? Who did you talk to about what happened to you? How was it engaged?

    8. What is your attachment style and how has this shaped your sexuality?

    9. How did your parents respond to your developing body, going from a boy into puberty and developing a man’s body?


    10. In what ways do you feel you may have experienced sexual harm? What are the details of what happened?

    Ponder the categories of sexual touch and/or sexual interactions. Either of these are intended to arouse either you or the person inviting you to the sexual behavior/interactions or both of you. This can include boundary violations by parents, inappropriate sexual comments about your body/sexuality or exposure to pornography.

    The primary damage of sexual harm is a sense of complicity…that you feel responsible for the sexual experience due to getting aroused or experiencing sexual pleasure/orgasm. Many people don't see their harm as abuse because they voluntarily participated. "I did something to participate.. I enjoyed it. It wasn’t abusive. Or, I wanted it.”

    This is a partial truth.

    You wanted some of what your abuser was offering but not the abuse. The goal of evil in sexual violation is to make you feel complicit so that high levels of shame lodge in your body and heart. 


    Four common ways we may have felt complicit:
    ◦ I desired the kindness, the attention, attunement, affection, care, comfort, connection, delight of the person that introduced me to the sexual experience. “I enjoyed being with my abuser at times."
    ◦ I had some measure of choice when offered the experience and I chose to engage in it. Often, this involves the agonizing reality of receiving something good that you longed for and was missing in your life, in exchange for the relationship with the abuser. “I was willing to pay the price of being abused to get something
    ◦ At some point during the abuse, I stopped resisting. I stopped saying “No!” or fighting back at some point.
    ◦ My body responded with some measure of arousal during the abuse.

    Healing involves being able to bless the goodness of what your heart was longing for attention, connection, affection, care and kindness which you received from in the relationship with the abuser and in how your body responded while at the same time grieving the reality that the cost for receiving these good things was so very high.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Anonymous30 October, 2024 04:15

    I have never experienced or witnessed two people having a connection that strong. I don’t think it exists.

    (But I do have to admit I have this desire and intensity for connection.)

    ReplyDelete

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