Characteristic Assassination Attempt

Yesterday my wife and I had a session with our new counsellor, a psychologist, Ruth Holt. It was a good yet hard initial session. 

We arrived early because my wife walks really fast (even though she’s shorter than me) so I was sweating even before the session started! 🥵

It was really hard to hear from my wife all the ways I’ve hurt her (lying, doc pics, naked pics, naked video calls, rationalising, etc). I teared up. The counsellor said I looked sad and asked if I wanted to comfort her, and I said I did, but my wife said she didn’t want me to touch her. 😢

Ruth spent about 30-min just talking to me, hearing about my distant father, repeated sexual assault aged 7+8, feeling alone, hating myself, living with a constant fear that I’m in trouble or the cause of everything bad, the inner child + EMDR healing work I’ve done. She asked what I called the dissociative state; I said The Grey Zone. She asked what gets me out of it; I said: an orgasm, sleep, or exercise. 

My wife was like: I’ve heard all this before. I don’t need to be present for the next 1 or 2 sessions. I just want to see changes and then I might start to rebuild trust. 

So I'll see the counsellor (Ruth) individually for 1-2 sessions before we have another joint session with my wife.

During the session Ruth asked if I was feeling shamed. I said I wasn’t but I realise now I was in Freeze or The Grey Zone (Fight or Flight were not options). 

That night I tried to go to sleep, but at 23:30 I was wide awake. My chest was feeling tight and I couldn’t sleep because I feel like a 30kg kettlebell is on my chest. That’s shame. 

Scott asked if that feeling could talk, what would it say?

“I’ve caused my wife SO MUCH PAIN! I suck!”

There’s still a LOT of self hatred.

At 04:45 I woke up far too early. My stomach was in a knot and I felt I might vomit. My chest was trembling like I’m shivering cold. My eyes hurt, are crusty, my eyelashes are thick and sticky from last night’s tears, and I was really tired. My eyes started producing tears, but I wasn't crying. I was feeling crushed by Shame. I was aware that I was shallow breathing, so I tried to do the square breathing (4 counts in, hold for 4, breathe out for 4, hold for 4, repeat), it helped a little but when I relaxed, as I was so tired I stopped counting and resumed shallow breathing again. When I held my breath, I realised I wasn't breathing and my body said, “Wouldn’t it be nice to just stop breathing and die.”

I was shocked by the thought. I don't want to end my life.
(And just to assure you I didn’t/don't have a suicide plan.)

I connected with Scott. I wasn't sure whether I should go to Brazilian Jujitsu for the mental health benefits, or not go; I didn't know whether to go to work or not. I didn't know what to do. 

He just asked, "What would kindness look like?"

I said, "Kindness would look like rest." 

So I decided not to go to BJJ, and I called into my boss saying I needed a Mental Health Day.

 

Shame hurts my body. I hate it. 

So with a little kindness, I went back to sleep.

I emailed my new psychologist and let her know of my shame reaction and lack of sleep. She said, 

"Thanks for letting me know and I’m glad your Healthy Adult was able to do some soothing and get some connection and safety today (Sounds like your critic was really active - I wonder what your Healthy Adult would say to that attack?)"

So I asked my Healthy Adult self. Here's what he said, "OMG you are SO HARSH and BRUTAL! You really want to kill him don't you?! I thought you wanted to motivate him, help him toughen up and grow up! Your strategy of shaming him does not work. Kindness and love works. That's how our Heavenly Father works. Please try it."

I woke up at 09:30 and set up a blanket in the warm sun. I felt asleep again for an hour and a half.

My sister kindly invited me to lunch. It was a beautiful sunny Canberra day. We ate lunch by the lake. Kindness kills shame.