Counselling with Ruth, the Roo, and the Joey
My Inner Critic had been working overtime in the last week and the last few days and I was tearing myself to shred with elaborations on "You suck!": I was the one who was sexually assaulted, I had unsafe parents that I hid from, I'm the one who has hurt my wife all through our marriage, I'm at fault for causing the separation, I repeatedly can't consider how others will react or feel, particularly my wife and the kids, I have friends who feel I use them, I have lied and been deceptive, and I feel alone and rejected. In summary: I suck.
Ruth asked how regulated I felt out of 10, and I was at 3. Later she told me she could not proceed if I was even only feeling 5/10.
She tried to help me get present by concentrating on catching a stress ball, but that was too stressful! Then I calmed down by holding some soft material and then holding a plush toy kangaroo. It had a joey in its pouch (like this) and I turned the joey around to hold its Mum and it wrapped its arms around the joey and hugged it. Again I lost it because this is the sort of hug I always wanted from Dad, but never got. I really like kangaroos because they cannot go backwards - that is my philosophy of healing: to always be moving forward. I'm a fighter and I do this relentlessly.
I then sat in another chair and started speaking as the Inner Critic, but she interrupted him saying, "André's already heard from you quite enough recently." Then in another chair I tried to be my "Healthy" Self, but it was really just my crushed remains - he was not very confident or secure. I told my Inner Critic that I understand that he's trying to motivate me to grow up, get stronger, and get thicker skin, but that criticism and shame are not working, and have not worked, but kindness and love do work. So we then moved the chair that my Inner Critic had sat on outside the room.
I was then regulated to 6/10.
Ruth asked me questions about compulsive sexual behaviour and I scored very low. I explained that haven't looked at gay porn or masturbated as a stress relief in over a year because since about May 2022, I can now clearly see these were both re-enactments of my sexual abuse, which I don't want to repeat.
We talked about some of the Modes the different parts of me operate in. One is the Deprived Child who feels entitled to make up for all the lack of touch and affection that wasn’t given, and make up for all the hurt I felt, and all the love and delight I missed out on.
She asked about triggers and I said my Inner Critic and shame are strong when I'm around a disappointed woman.
She said that probably only one more individual session is needed - since I've clearly done a lot of work already.
I'll have one more session next Wednesday before a session with my wife on 23-Aug.
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