Rebuild Trust

In our counselling last week, my wife did not remember me saying in a previous counselling session that if there were Hidden Criteria for us reconciling, that she needs to tell me and not expect I can read her mind. 

She’s just sent an email with a list of 10x things that will show how I can rebuild trust!

  1. Being a person of your word - following through on what you say you will do.

  2. Reading and replying to emails and text messages.

  3. Not hiding information or being deceptive.

  4. Communication about things related to the girls and their care without prompting.

  5. Being able to discuss things respectfully as adults.

  6. Taking responsibility for your actions and decisions.

  7. Engaging with Christian men I respect as accountability support.

  8. Communication about what is happening with your support - new groups/dropping groups

  9. Updates on any issues with boundaries. Keeping boundaries without seeking to bend them.

  10. Evidence that you are working towards a positive future for yourself, our family and our relationship.

I can see it will be helpful, but I also see it as an indictment list and shaming. "These are things you haven't done. You are a disappointment."
I acknowledge that I am the one bringing the shame, not my wife. She is actually disappointed, but is trying to help. 
However, even mentally separating those is exhausting.


Okay, I see I need to reframe: my wife isn't out to get me. She's on my side and trying to help. I'm not the "victim" here, but the "victor" - as she's given me tangible things to work on. 

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