"That's on you Mum"

Mum, I remember you and Dad shouting at each other or at me. Later you'd come to me and apologise for Dad's behaviour. I felt it wasn't right or appropriate that you apologised for his behaviour; he should be the one to apologise, but he never ever did. You would comfort me, and then say "Don't be like your father". The consequence and cost of that meant you drove a wedge between him and me, and between me and the man who needed to help me identify as a man. Effectively you emasculated me. You said, "Don't be like your father" so many times, that I rejected all aspects of him both good and bad. I rejected his anger and violent words. But it also cost me: identifying with his masculinity, copying his assertiveness and leadership, modelling from his initiative-taking, picking up his strength of character. I hand that back to you.

Mum, what’s on you is: triangulating me away from Dad, emasculating me, trying to make me “a good little boy” that was effectively a little girl. It’s on you. That’s not my fault. 

Mum, when you fought with Dad, it cost me learning to be safe with you, feeling acceptable just being me. I hand that back to you. It’s on you. 

When you confided in me, you effectively wanted me to be your surrogate husband, but I was your son. When you did that, it cost me my childhood and it further triangulated me away from Dad. I hand that back to you. It’s on you. 

Mum, when you shamed me to not be like Dad, it cost me my self worth, my ability to like myself, my ability to have compassion for myself, my self-worth, my self acceptance - effectively you made me hate another part of myself.  I hand that back to you. It’s on you. 

After you discovered I’d been sexually abused, all you said was, “What he did was wrong.” But you didn’t explain what that meant. I was left with confusion and ambiguity on what was wrong. 

Also when you didn’t ever talk about it again, that effectively meant I needed to keep quiet about it. 

That’s on you. That’s bad parenting, not loving, and not caring.

I hand that back to you. It’s on you.