Counselling

Counselling started off with Sarah saying she was feeling André was giving mixed messages: he’ll say “I will do anything” but was obviously hesitant to spend time with her. This was making her doubt if he really wanted their relationship to repair.

We had a date at 1pm on Friday, which André had forgotten, not put in his diary, plus had a crazy morning at work. When he arrived half an hour late, he apologised, she expressed she was disappointed, but André said he felt she 'attacked' him. André got very upset and said it was a pattern that he felt she was always jabbing him in revenge when he was in the wrong, and he felt he didn't have a voice to complain since he had just done something wrong - effectively kicking him while he was down. 

She calmly recounted that she had said “I understood sometimes people forget, but that I was sad that you had forgotten our date. I had done my hair and arranged my day around meeting up.” She was upset that effectively she can't express her emotions without André having a very negative reaction. André tried to refute that saying that somehow there was a barb, an attack. The counsellor started facilitating and Sarah shook her head feeling frustrated that André felt she was attacking him. 

André interrupted and said, “You missed that: she does that all the time”.  André clarified that he feels she’s conveying that he’s stupid. 

But we talked that thru a bit and André realised it is all a transference* of disappointment and shaming, which she doesn't intend, but he transfers* onto her: disappointment, rejection and shaming from his parents. (* In the session André incorrectly referred to the transference as ‘projection’.)

In the session André went into shame, and detachment, his mind went blank, and 

was dissociating. The counsellor got him to name 3x blue things he could see (to help him get present). Her small effort of compassion brought him to tears. He began slow controlled breathing. After a minute he was able to become regulated. 

The counsellor asked what he would have liked Sarah to respond with the previous Friday when he turned up late. He verbalised a response where Sarah was completely unaffected emotionally by the current situation (lateness, feeling rejected..), and instead was curious and compassionate about him, and asking what had happened that morning that meant he was late. After he spoke the words he said he realised how unrealistic those expectations were. 

Ruth suggested that if André can make the space to hear how she felt hurt from his actions, then she might be then able to hear what was happening for him. Sarah responded that she felt André has had huge expectations on her that she could never meet, such as: giving him more physical touch, more sex, more connection, more love, know him better, be more on his side...

Sarah & André did some sharing, reflective listening, clarifying, and feeling heard. André admitted that part of him wanted to be with Sarah, and part of him feared her and was self-sabotaging his efforts to date her.

André was able to be very present and engaged (no dissociation, no feeling shamed). Sarah said she feels like we've done all this before, and we don't seem to be making any progress. She felt she can't keep going on like this, her trust in André was completely gone, and didn't know what to do. 

We finished the session, but we continued in the nearby café for almost 2 hours. André was able to be very present. We discussed how our lives would look over the next few months: we will continue to have dinner together with the kids on Monday nights as we hand over (& swap where we live). We'll continue to spend Friday nights together when the girls are at youth group. André said he needed to have time together that's enjoyable and where he can see and feel that she's not a threat, and rebuild safety. 

Sarah said the current situation of saying we are “dating”, but André being fearful to engage, and her feeling rejected by lack of engagement is creating space between us and more trust issues rather than drawing us together, and it is creating more damage in the relationship. Sarah suggested we stop the dating until André can work out his feelings towards her. She would support him from the sidelines but was unable to walk beside him on this part of the journey while he had those feelings about her. 

We wanted to still have civil communication and interaction (for us and for the sake of our girls). Sarah suggested that André start planning his Summer holidays with the girls. We talked through some plans, and started planning July holidays to escape the Canberra Winter to Queensland.

In summary:

• We are separated due to broken trust. The separation was to rebuild trust. 
• A lack of engagement during separation has left Sarah feeling rejected rather than building trust. 
• We were meant to be “dating” to rebuild trust, but that isn't possible due to André’s feelings about her, and that part of him doesn't want to engage with her as he feels fearful of her, that she’s not on his side, that she don't know him, and that he has trust issues. 
• André has unrealistic expectations on her around meeting his needs: being known, being on his side etc.
• While André transfers () shame onto Sarah and feels fear, she can't see a way ahead for our relationship, as that’s out of her control. (It isn’t in Sarah’s character to 'attack' people, or 'kick them when they are down’.)
• André’s pattern of behaviour the other Friday was not just a one off.
• André admits he was self-sabotaging 
• There is a need for Sarah to see that André is making decisions with their relationship in mind, not just himself.