Being present with Eye contact

Strategy for being present.
I've known that when I feel "off", dsyregulated or feel the draw towards porn, what I really need is connection. However, often I can't get face-to-face connection. So here's the levels of connection that I attempt to have at that point:
  1. Connection by text.
  2. Connection by seeing another man's eyes and feeling seen by another by him by exchanging face pics.
  3. Connection by live video call where we can see each other's eyes and facial expressions live.
  4. Connection face-to-face, in person, where there can be a hug or other physical connection.
I have this strategy with other men, but I realised I can have that strategy with my wife too. Yes it's a little difficult being separated, but when we meet, I can make a point of not beginning to talk unless we have eye contact. 

If I'm being really present with her, by connecting with her eyes, then I don't transfer or put shame onto her. I had a session with the counsellor on Wednesday and she thought that was a hopeful sign. 

If I lose being present, my Inner Critic really comes online (possibly from the autonomic nervous system) and I expect rejection, attack, abandonment, esmasculation, and shame.  The psychologist suggested if I feel disappointment of anything negative from my wife, I've got to try a pre-loaded question, "Are you OK? What's really going on here?" Hopefully that curiosity will lead her to kindness.

The psychologist raised talked about eye contact during lovemaking. I raised that my wife has refused to let me have lights on when we did. She didn't seem to have any good reason, except "I'm just uncomfortable with that.", which seemed like a 2/10 reason to me. I was asking saying I needed to see here eyes, particularly at that moment, because I'm a visual guy (like most men) and I wanted to bond with her, which is like a 7/10 reason. So I felt like that was rejection. The psych said that was something we'll have to bring up in a joint session, and that of course she has stuff she needs to work on too. It's "not just me".

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