Abuse, Trauma, and Empathy

I was fearing that my wife was going to file for divorce any day now, as it's 12 months of separation. Legally you gotta have 'irreconcilable differences'. I asked her about that and she said that wasn't how she was thinking. She also said she wouldn't push the divorce button because she knew that would mean she was the one bailing out. I said the same. So perhaps we're both stubborn. But it also means we're committing to at least co-parent. And also committing to monthly counselling. I've recently learned from a Betrayal Conference, that they betrayed wife needs the husband's empathy to heal. So whether we get back together or not, she needs me to show her empathy. I've not done that because I've thought she was over-reacting. (I've had husbands in my online support group be involved in sexual affairs with other men and women for months and the wife has taken them back) I've not had sex with anyone. Yes I did a nude video call, but I wasn't even naked. I've hidden all this activity from her, and I've connected emotionally. But I've basically thought she was over reacting. I acknowledge that she's felt betrayed - repeatedly - and I've not acknowledged her pain. I can't deny her that she's had feelings. So I'm trying to address this now. I'm hoping she'll see little changes and then trust me a little, and we'll keep going from there. And eventually we'll move back in together.

The sad thing is a lot of the issues I've got come from my parents, and my sexual abuse. I'd inadvertently learned to use sex/orgasm for comfort. So when I'm really super stressed, my body will drive me to get release somehow, and often in the most inappropriate ways. And I can be after a Fight/Flight/Freeze response, which is primal, not a conscious/rational decision. I'll take responsibility for my actions, but I would love a little compassion for the $#!t I went thru as a boy that's still affecting me today, which I'm actively working at! But I do understand that she's felt hurt repeatedly, and she hasn't had to learn to be as resilient as me.  

I'd told my wife I'd been abused before we dated, but she never realised how it would interact with my stress and hurt her.

I have a number of issues apart from the abuse. 

1. Anxious Avoidance - I don't share stuff, but hide it - because I had to hide from my abusive alcoholic father. I avoid conflict and avoid talking about things.
2. Shame from Disappointment - when my wife shows disappointment, she may not intend to shame me, and tries hard not to do so, but I put it on myself. I've felt SO much disappointment and shame from my wife, I had great Fear of her. I know she doesn't intend to shame me, and has exhausted herself working out how to interact and speak with me in ways that won't result in me shaming myself. I'm trying to see she has my back while also feeling disappointed.
3. The abuse - is fear of rejection, abandonment, isolation. Separation is not helping with this.

So I've got to work at all that PLUS repair my marriage! It's tough work!