We started counselling sharing that we'd had some good times as a family. Sarah raised that we had met on Sunday to discuss out meeting for the financial planner later that day, but our time was shorter than expected as our daughter's shift at Maccas was 30-min earlier. At the end of our meeting, I started to tell Sarah that I'd been accepted into a program in the USA, but got cut off by our other daughter. By the time I was in the car, I realised that I hadn't brought it up, so while driving to pick our daughter, I phoned Sarah to tell her. She said, "Congratulations". I asked if she had any thoughts, and she merely said, "Lots, but I won't share them now." So basically, I have a protective strategy of avoiding conversations and situations that would cause conflict. Our counsellor calls it the "Avoidant Protector."
She acknowledged that the Avoidant Protector has been very helpful in my past. She got me to change chairs and to briefly give voice to the Avoidant Protector in how it has been helpful. Initially she referred to it with a different name that didn't resonate. But once I named that it's strategy was to
Hide! then the memories flooded in. Memories of Dad shouting at Mum or my sister in the evening after he'd had a number of glasses of wine, which happened every... single... night... of my life! Other memories also flooded in from being bullied and bashed up in primary school and high school. And the painful memory of being in year 10 in the final two weeks of the school year where a large bunch of kids were teasing me and calling me, "gay", so I would walk into the school a different way so no one would see me, and go into the library and spent the day hiding in the library. I started to cry and said simply, "Too many memories."
Eventually I said, "I just don't know how to handle these strong emotions." The counsellor affirmed me that the Avoidant Protector was helpful back then. I resumed my seat and needed a few minutes to get grounded. Sarah comforted me by putting her hand on my back. It was the first time she's touched me in about a year!
The counsellor asked me something, and I said, "I can't respond to that, because there's about 10 other things that I would like to respond to first!" I was able to respond to my wife's story that I've been seeking ways to get to the USA, which I had not. I had merely mentioned to my boss that I went to the Oracle conference in 2019. She asked when is the one in 2024, and I had to look it up to see it was in September and in Las Vegas. It was my boss who said she'd probably be able to get me to it in 2024.
II acknowledged to my wife that I knew she feared me going to the USA. She said that I'd had ample opportunity to discuss it since I had written my application during January. It just simply hadn't occurred to me that I should discuss it with her. Together with the complicated and confusing situation of our separation, I wasn't sure how. The counsellor suggested that to help Sarah feel safe, that I should over-communicate discussing plans with Sarah.
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