Rejected by “everyone”

"Devastated", "I am nothing", "I want to vanish and die", "I'm cancelled", "I am unwanted", "I have no friends", "Nobody wants to be my friend" - are the phrases that came to mind as I prepared to write this story. 

I’m aged 12, in year 5. It’s a warm school day at Waramanga Primary School in suburban Canberra. I’m leaving the two story brown brick primary school and it’s well after 3pm. I exit the building and walk on the hot blacktop for a few steps before I get to the grass. The playground is bordered by gum trees. I look across the grass towards the underpass which is my route home (see pic above). Between me and the underpass is a large group of kids gathered in a circle around one boy. It seems like it’s everyone from both year 5 classes – about 50 kids. My stomach tightens as I walk closer. I wonder why they’re all gathering? I realise that they’re all gathered around listening to the leader of the cool athletic kids – a boy named Guy Cannon. 

Each morning, I play British Bulldog - a variation of tag where everyone but one person runs from one side of the field to the other, with the person in the middle tagging people as they run by. Guy is a very fast runner. If he’s in, he tags lots of kids each round. But I hate it. I try not to play, but I get bullied if I don’t play. If I do play, then I get tagged quickly, then I find I’m the only one in, and I can’t run fast enough to tag anyone, and then I’m teased for not being fast or athletic enough. I want to be fast and not teased, like Guy Cannon. 

I feel the pull to be included in this group. I want to hear what Guy is talking about. I want to belong. I hope to walk up to the edge of the group and find out what they were talking about. Then, but doing nothing but listening I could join the group, be included, and feel like I belong. So I walked up to the edge of the group of kids. But unfortunately I was too tall to join without being spotted. Guy saw me. He stopped talking to the group and spoke directly to me, “This isn’t for you André. Get lost!” 

I felt sad that I wasn’t able to join. I hoped I might still be able to stay by showing I was walking off, but only walking part way around the group, and stop on the far side. But when I did that, Guy stopped again and started right at me. Everyone else turned and stared at me too. He said, “Get lost!” again. With everyone staring at me, I slumped, turned and walked away. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole! I felt rejected by everyone at school. I felt that everyone rejected me. No one stood up for me and wanted me. I deduced that “Nobody wants to be my friend.”

This story ranks 5/5 - meaning it has almost overwhelming heartache and impact. I processed this story at my Journey into Manhood weekend in 2019. I shared this story in a Sexcessful Men group run by Scott Cone in 2024. When I started sharing the story, I started with "The title is 'Rejected by "everyone"'. The phrases that came to mind in preparing this story were...", but then I couldn't say any further words! It took me a minute to compose myself and begin.

Afterwards, I reframed some of the phrases that came to mind earlier:

• “I’m devastated.” → “Not being included by these boys does not define who I am.”
• “I am nothing.” → “I am complete, a son of God.”
• “I want to vanish and die.” → “I want to be seen and honoured. And I want life.”
• “I am cancelled.” → “I am welcomed, and I belong.”
• “I am unwanted” → “I am wanted, pursued, and desired by others and by God.”
• “No friends.” → “I have friends who love me and accept me for who I am. Many online friends, and friends who show their love in-person such as: Robert, Scott, Matt, Cam, Doug, Lachlan, and others...”

Could you help me heal from this story? Could you describe the physical sensations you felt in your body when you read this story? Please could you share your reactions (sensations, feelings, and thoughts) to help me to grieve and heal? It can help you too. Please share by adding a comment (you can do it anonymously) with what you physically felt in your body. Also feel free to share your emotions and thoughts. Thank you in advance.