Outback Jack's Journey

For me, I feel repair is still needed with: Feeling rejected by Sarah after discussing my joy of feeling a man after JiM  (We have discussed this and Sarah has asked if it made sense for her to feel hurt, which I agree, but I don't feel she has repaired with me). Rejecting hearing my whole story, particularly how the pedophile tricked me with a game. Rejecting my penis - after asking her to hold it and say, "This is our special thing" to overlay that phrase from my sexual abuser. Rejection from Sarah declining sex, not loving me when I wanted to make love. Not feeling pursued by Sarah. If we get back together, you must  touch me more, and not just when we make love. Declining to read A Bigger World Yet  (she has said it made sense for her not to read it because she was still feeling hurt, which I agree, but I don't feel she has repaired with me). She later (spitefully?) told me she had read the book, but we never discussed it, or what she gained from reading it. Feeli

Last night my sister gave me a chilli dish that had two Australian tablespoons (40ml) of chilli in it (what the recipe called for). I couldn't eat it and added diced tomatoes and tomato sauce to eat it, but during the night my body wanted it out and ran to the toilet a number of times. This morning when I walked out of the bathroom I saw my fasted/starved body in the mirror and thought, "Wow your abs look really shredded!" I mentioned this to Scott. He asked, " What are you telling yourself about your abs ?" I said, "I look like an attractive model, so I must be attractive. But if I'm attractive, why don't I have any friends? I must not be attractive." I found that surprising. Scott found it interesting. My presupposition were:  Attractive people always have friends. I don't have friends. I was surprised by that. Scott found it interesting and asked when did I first begin to believe these things. It was in primary school when I was aged 6 o