Outstanding Repairs

For me, I feel repair is still needed with:

  1. Feeling rejected by Sarah after discussing my joy of feeling a man after JiM 
    (We have discussed this and Sarah has asked if it made sense for her to feel hurt, which I agree, but I don't feel she has repaired with me).
  2. Rejecting hearing my whole story, particularly how the pedophile tricked me with a game.
  3. Rejecting my penis - after asking her to hold it and say, "This is our special thing" to overlay that phrase from my sexual abuser.
  4. Rejection from Sarah declining sex, not loving me when I wanted to make love.
  5. Not feeling pursued by Sarah. If we get back together, you must touch me more, and not just when we make love.
  6. Declining to read A Bigger World Yet (she has said it made sense for her not to read it because she was still feeling hurt, which I agree, but I don't feel she has repaired with me). She later (spitefully?) told me she had read the book, but we never discussed it, or what she gained from reading it.
  7. Feeling rejected after being kicked out of sleeping in the same bed with her. This came from choosing in counselling to share something I had hidden. I attempted to be open and honest about something I had done, but had repented and stopped doing. Sharing it resulted in disconnection for 3 months. At Christmas, we resumed sleeping in the same bed, but did not talk about it or repair.

Sarah needs me to repair with:
  1. Overly emotional connection with Chris.
  2. Physical affection with Chris (holding hands, hand up his shirt, laying on him), showing myself nude to him, send a picture of my butt.
  3. Flaccid dic pic to Scott
  4. Bulging shorts pics to stangers
  5. Nude sunbathing pic (no genitals)
  6. Hugging Justin's butt (touching in the bathing suit area)
  7. Watching a nude webcam
  8. Meeting with Keith in a private setting when it was avoidable.
  9. Nude video calls (for my healing, for others' healing)
  10. Naked holding in the gym shower with Doug



Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Story

Image
1. Family background My Dad was from Canada. He was an alcoholic, always seemed to be angry, and verbally abusive primarily to Mum, but also my sister and I. One year I was asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I said, “One day where Mum and Dad don’t shout.” Every night he would drink and after dinner he would start shouting, mainly at my Mum, but if my sister or I would talk with him, we’d get shouted at too. So I learned to hide in my bedroom and did my schoolwork. I have no memory of him ever saying he loved me. I know many fathers of this generation didn’t, but his actions didn’t show it either. He didn’t spend time with me, he showed no physical affection, no wrestling, no hugging, he paid me no attention, gave no praise and showed no trust. Dad didn't even seem to like being around me. Dad was physically present, but distant. He didn’t raise me. It seemed he couldn’t be bothered or care about me at all. He would only want to spend time with me so I could help him with a pro
Read more

Journey Beyond reflections

Image
Journey Beyond (JB) together with my whole trip was fantastic!  I loved hanging out with other JiM guys in Houston, Atlanta, Chicago and LA, and hanging out with Scott in Houston and celebrating his birthday (despite vomiting)! At Journey Beyond , I felt I rediscovered my boyhood and celebrated my masculinity.  In  Journey Beyond  I yelled at my “wife” for 2-min. In my Guts work, I smashing the negative messages I’ve believed about myself.  JB  was the hardest work and most fun. It was totally worth it.  I felt: affirmed, connected, and belonging as a man. I shared all this with my counsellor and he summed it up as: “You’re loving your inner child from my healthy adult self.” I agree. I also realised that the pedophile who abused me aged 7 & 8 was overweight. I vowed I would never be like him in ANY way.   That’s come out in me NEVER wanting to be overweight. This is fragmenting men into parts and only seeing part of other men, such as their body fat. Other men do it with me and o
Read more

Bless my arousal

Image
I just finished talking with Scott, who's been on a week of therapy for sexual abuse in Washington state. He said the leader said to him, "You were made to want to make love to anything beautiful. You want to merge with beauty." This begs the question, "Are you going to make love to everything that arouses you?" Clearly he's not, but needed to have an attitude other than shame for when he was aroused by different people and things in different scenarios. I often have close friends give me compliments because they know I've filtered them out of my internal narrative. My shields are down now and I can receive compliments, it's not to get a big head, but receiving them now improves my mental health, my internal perception, and my self worth. Yes I need to be not reliant on other people, and just value myself and God's perception of me, but my default position is to criticise myself, put myself down, self-condemn, self-hate, and self-loathe, so rece
Read more