Imagine your Ideal Parents
Today I received a link to a short 11-min video on Imagining your Ideal Parents. I had to stop it after 6-min. But in those 6-min, the man in the video got me to imagine three scenes:
- A scene where my father delighted in spending time with me. He wrestled me. He made an effort to learn cricket, and he'd spent tireless afternoons in the backyard helping me learn how to hit a cricket ball with a cricket bat.
- Another scene where my parents were attuned to me that they listened to me recount a tragic day where I was bullied and punched at school. The listened, didn't give advice, were attuned to my pain, and reassured me that they loved me.
- Another scene where my family are doing a bush walk. In reality my father would walk fast and far ahead. I couldn't catch up, despite running. In the new imagined scene, my father is attuned to my tiredness and exhaustion, and he cares deeply. He doesn't blame me for being weak and not keeping up, he apologises for going on such a long walk, but sacrifices his comfort and our timetable by picking me up and puts me on his shoulders and carries me for the rest of the walk.
These scenes were all so beautiful, and redepmtive.
Watch when you can be quiet and undisturbed for 11-min. You can just listen to the video, there's nothing visual in it. Here are the 5 areas he goes thru:
- Safety & protection,
- Attunement,
- Soothing and comfort,
- Expressed delight,
- Support & encouragement
Please share a powerful scene (or two) that you imagined in a comment below (with your name or anonymous).
I imagine my parents being concerned about my safety at school.
ReplyDeleteI also imaged parents who knew that I was striving hard at school to win their approval, but they conveyed that they loved me irrespective of my academic performance, or how "good" I was. They just loved and accepted me for who I was.
I keep re-imagining my parents being attuned to my subtle sadness on the day I was bullied and punched at school. When they expressed that pain, I realised that there wasn't anything wrong with me; I was loved just as I am.
Ideal parent who expressed their joy on me playing sports, helps me feel really delighted in, even if I wasn't the star player or if I scored goals or not.
My parents picked up on my desire to play volleyball. I felt supported and cherished.
What I really needed from Dad was to help me grow up into being a man, and to show and do that in many areas of my life. His mission in life was to help me be the best man that I could be!
Ii imagined being able to talk to my Dad about anything, girls...
ReplyDeleteInstead of a Mum who came out with "You don't struggle with any sexual attraction to boys do you?" I imagine parents who framed questions as completely open and available, not shutting anything down, eg "Who are you attracted to? Whether it's boys or girls, it doesn't matter."
When I imagine parents that are attuned to my distress, I feel valued, seen, important, secure. Their genuine comfort helps me feel stable.
Physically I feel a lifting up in my chest.
My parents helped me explore volleyball as a support. They're not threatened by learning a sport they're not familiar with.
I imagine my Dad connecting with me in the bathroom, sometimes he's naked, sometimes I am, but we're both completely comfortable with each other. A phrase he regularly uses is, "You're a little man, André"
I imagine my father delighting in spending time with me. He offered to kick a football or go to the gym whenever I wanted. We also wrestled and helped me to dodge attacks. He was attuned when I got angry after losing a game of croquet, and connected with me, soothed me, and helped feel like a winner.
ReplyDeleteI also imagined attuned parents who knew when I was upset at school. And even knew that I was striving to get good grades to please them.
I imagined a father who took me to a birthday party at the finish time, but who owned the mistake, let the other parents know it was his mistake. He comforted me, apologised, and told me, "I'm incredibly sorry for not getting this right. I knew how important this was for you. This is my fault. I'm sorry you've missed out because of my mistake." I felt secure and loved, instead of somehow being at fault.
I imagined parent who showed delight when I came home from school and who just couldn't wait to spend time with me because just being with them brought so much delight!
My Dad knew I needed physical touch, and he gave it over and over, like sitting right beside me when we'd watch TV. He would gently caress me wherever he'd touch me.