Be proud of me Dad! (9-Jan-2024)

Today after my workout I went to the sauna and was alone in there. I took two pics and sent them to a mate. I realised that I wanted affirmation from him, but the real need behind that was for Dad to feel proud of me. So with my head under a towel, I focussed on the things I wanted Dad to be proud of me. I realise that I wanted Dad to be proud of me for just being me, but it was easier to recall the big achievements where I really wanted Dad to express that he was proud of me. So here's a list of things I wanted Dad to be proud of me:

  1. Coming 3rd in year 6 High Jump.
  2. Winning the inter-base department volleyball competition at HMAS Albatross in 1996.
  3. Playing basketball (1998) - my Mum and Dad did come to watch me play once, but I was not very good at basketball. I did receive the Most Consistent Player Award, but that was because I didn't know the rules and got fouled off every game!
  4. Completing numerous 24-hour team mountain bike races (2010-2014)
  5. Finishing various mountain bike races. (Capital Punishment 50km 2011, Capital Punishment 100km 2012 & 2013, Kowalski Classic 90km 2013 & 2014)
  6. Completing the 166km Le Étape Australia road cycling race (2016, 2017, 2018)
  7. Completing the 165km Fitz's Challenge (2015 - 2018), and
  8. Various other road cycling races (Blaney-Bathurst, Bathurst Classic, 3rd in the Triple Edge Time Trial, Sydney to the Gong)
Near the end of the Capital Punishment 100km 2012, I texted my wife near the finish and she was able to get our young kids to the finish line before I arrived. She forced the kids to not go on the jumping castle, but instead wait for me at the finish line and wave. As I approached the line I realised that I had family cheering me, waving at me, and proud of me! (I'm in tears re-living this as I write) I was completely overwhelmed with love and emotions that they were proud of me and had made the effort to be there. This conveyed such love from my wife, and it highlighted the neglect of my Dad.

So in the sauna, I connected with my Inner Child who desperately wanted Dad to be proud of him. I recalled these events and cried. I told myself that it wasn't because of me that Dad wasn't there. It was on him and his inability to parent that meant he wasn't there for me and to convey that he was proud of me. I cried until someone walked in. I used the towel over my head to wipe me eyes, and in the dim light it would be near impossible to tell the difference between tears and sweat. 

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