Statement on "Why we're separating?" for our kids
Here's my updated statement:
I have done some things that unintentionally hurt your Mum and led her to not trust me. Why I did those things is not because I don’t love your Mum. I do love her and you. I still have a some trauma in my life that isn’t fully healed, but which I’m continuing to seek to heal. Trauma is complex; it has made me do things I don’t want to do, I don’t really understand why I’ve done them, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do have to take responsibility for them.
Mum has also done things that have hurt me, and am willing to keep working at reconciling and repairing. I continue to love her, I will always be your Dad, and I will always love you.
My wife's statement:
I have worked hard through our marriage to understand and support Dad with the issues around his trauma. Trust has been broken many times over a number of years and we have got help over that time to try to heal our relationship. I have forgiven Dad for the things that happened, but it reached a point where I felt trust was too broken to repair, so I have made the difficult and sad decision to step back from couples therapy. I love Dad and I love both of you - as we always say, this is an issue between Dad and I, and none of it is your fault. We will always be a family, it just looks different to how it did.
I realise that I haven't said anything about my wife hurting me. I might add something like:
ReplyDelete...but I do have to take responsibility for them. Mum has tried to be understanding, but also has done things where I have felt hurt. So we have both felt deeply hurt by each other. Mum can’t go any further with me...
Is it correct that you unintentionally did things? Didn’t you intentionally do them, but by doing them you unintentionally hurt your wife?
ReplyDeleteThe girls may ask, "If you have forgiven one another and still live one another, why would you separate?"
I agree with Bruce’s statements “intentional actions; unintentional hurt to mum”
DeleteMy kids asked, "What was the trauma you experienced?" and "Why has it taken so long to heal?" They may also ask, "How had trust been broken?"
ReplyDeleteHave you exhausted all avenues of reconciliation?
ReplyDeleteAre there any biblical grounds for divorce present (like adultery or abandonment)?
Do the girls understand the nature of your trauma and if your struggles??
ReplyDeleteOnly briefly - that it was childhood sexual abuse.
DeleteI do think you have an opportunity should you choose to expand your word choice of trauma to include some level of detail, but not deeply. When I told my kids I have said that Dad had a very traumatic childhood in which I was abused repeatedly. My Mum and Dad were not good people who loved and protected me and so on. This offered to my kids some context that has been helpful.
ReplyDeleteDivorce is always a tragedy.😪
ReplyDeleteWhat was the trauma you went through?
ReplyDeleteWhat did you do to break the trust?
If Mum loves Dad, why there is no room to build up trust again?
If you have forgiven one another and still love one another, why would you separate?
ReplyDeleteWhat is the trauma?
How was trust broken?
Why is this beyond repair?
If Dad didn’t intentionally hurt Mum, and Mum has forgiven him what happened to make her decide to stop therapy?
If you have forgiven one another and still live one another, why would you separate?
ReplyDeleteWhat is the trauma, how was trust broken, why is this beyond repair, what is it going to look like going forward?
ReplyDeleteHow can trauma make you do things you don’t want to do?
ReplyDeleteWhat sort of things does it make you do?
If you know it’s wrong, can’t you just practice self-control?
What don’t you trust Dad about?
What do you mean multiple times?
Do you feel safe with Dad?
Should we continue to trust Dad?
I would simply leave out the word “unintentionally”. For any of our actions, how do we ever know for sure how much of them is intentional and how much driven by our needs? I would also leave out the comment about your wife hurting you, even though it is true.
ReplyDeleteThe kids will have endless questions, but I think they are best answered over time and more personally, rather than here.
We are told that trust, once broken, takes a very long time to be restored, if at all. But neither of you are ruling restoration out, and it can happen!