Outback Jack's Journey

If I am completely honest and uncensored, part of my wants to see and be seen naked, touch, and be touched by other men, and be sexual because: I want to be desired by someone, desperately, eagerly desired, worshipped by someone. I want to know someone loves me and loves my penis, and desires to be close and touch me. I want to feel pleasure, delight, and orgasm. I want to know who I am, see and compare myself to other men. I want to be curious, know the different variations of penises. I want to be the object of someone's lust. I want to hear them cry my name out because they WANT me BAD. I want to matter to someone. I want to be wanted, pursued, I want someone to thirst for me, to be completely transfixed, mesmerised, captivated. I want them to no notice anything in the world, BUT ME!  I want to be valued, seen, appreciated, that I matter, I am important to someone. I want someone to want and value me - all of me! I want someone to love my penis like I do. I want them to pleasure...

I did not grow up going to church with my parents and my parents are not Christians. As a kid, I tried to be good and to everyone around (my parents and my teachers) I appeared to be very good, yet privately knowing I was bad.  I knew that I would only get in trouble for getting caught for doing wrong things.  If I was able to keep things hidden, then I could get away with doing things that I should not do.  This actually just made me confused. Now I thought Christians were brainwashed idiots.  My sister became a Christian and invited me along to a Youth Group.  There I thought I would watch the leaders brainwash the youth and then expose them.  Instead they studied from the bible and I was able to see from reading the bible for myself that they were not making it up.  At this point I really didn’t know if it was all real – I just hoped that God was real.  By calling myself a Christian I was really just hedging my bets.  I did not know the tr...

In mid-September I went to Oklahoma to staff a The Crucible Project (TCP) weekend. It was my first time staffing.  It was a privilege and powerful for the men attending and awesome to see them process something that was blocking them with physically/bodily acted out Internal Family Systems (IFS). It helped them be vulnerable and then trust other men.  It was powerful for me even as a staff man, particularly because as we prepared as a staff team, I was told, "We see your 'shadows' and accept you as you are." then asked, "Do you commit to hold your shadows as you lead this weekend?"  This is in contrast with the Christianity that I find most other places, where our "shadows" (unacceptable or sinful thoughts/actions) are to be hidden behind a "nice" mask of "we've got it all together". I don't see that as real love, or real authentic Christianity. I love the “no BS” attitude. It’s authentic, honest, open, real, genuine. My...

For the Crucible Project weekend coming up, I had to ask friends, family, and colleagues abut my Strangths: " As part of the Crucible Project weekend I’m going on this weekend, could you help me identify my strengths as you have experienced them in our relationship.  My goal in this process is to understand my strengths better so that I can leverage them in my work and personal life.  Your support in this process is appreciated. My request is that you reply by Friday 6-Sep with your responses to the following questions:  1. What do you see as my key strengths?  2. Provide examples when you experienced these strengths in ways that were meaningful to you (that is, when you experienced some kind of positive impact).  Thank you. " Here are their responses: Strengths Examples My Interpretations Adaption as your key strength. An example of when I experienced this strength was when you said you were willing to let me either miss a few days of our family NZ t...

After reading this story, please let me know what physical sensations happened in your body, not thoughts (eg not "I felt uncomfortable", but "I felt sick in my stomach"). "Mum, Am I Going to Die?" In primary school, my nose seemed to bleed at anything. If I was knocked, it would bleed. If I was hot, it would bleed. If I exercised, it would bleed. If I was stressed it would bleed. If I sneezed, it would bleed. I couldn't do sport or athletics or run. The propensity of my nose bleeding seriously held me back. My Mum worked at the hospital, and she knew people who knew the best specialists. I went to see an Ear, Nose & Throat specialist. Inside my nose he saw an ulcer that was right over a blood vessel. One of the first things he said was, “I don’t want to cauterise it because that might leave you with a hole between your two nostrils inside your nose and that might make you whistle when you breathe in.” So, he gave me a cream to apply, which we appl...

My workout buddy has accused me of being an exhibitionist. I had said to him a few times that my counsellor had suggested that because I used to hide from my alcoholic and verbally abusive Dad in my bedroom and did my schoolwork, that I should consider trying to feel seen. I had asked my counsellor whether it is a real need or a perceived need. Do I just need to be emotionally vulnerable and exposed by sharing my story, or do I need to physically be vulnerable and expose myself? He said both. Why I am not an exhibitionist? My desire is not to feel seen. I'm not addicted to it. Yes I've exhibited my body in the past and received attention, which I enjoyed as a shadow of the love and connection that I was desiring and missed out of getting from my Dad. When I was on Instagram, I felt the pressure to post from seeing others' posts and the affirmation they received. But I could feel the "thirst trap" that it was, and got off. What's the reason I get naked with oth...