Outback Jack's Journey

I found a piece of paper on the top shelf in my wardrobe. This is what I'd written in pencil: Where am I?  I'm near the end of my time fathering teenagers before they become adults. I'm coming near a period of time where I'm just a man (not a father or husband), possibly alone, wanting to define myself on other people. I'm at a place where I'm discovering I need to discover who i am. i want to connect with myself. What do I want?  I want to define myself independent of other people - just me. i want to be an awesome friend, awesome Dad. I want friends who love hanging out with me. I want to connect with myself. What am I Afraid of? I'm afriad of not wanting or liking myself when I connect, feeling lonely, wanting to reject myself. Alone. What I don't like about myself: Other people don't seem to like me. I'm weak, ugly, unattractive, damaged, unwanted, weird, something wrong with me, people tolerate being around me/they don't want to hang wit...

My wife and I have each answered the question, "Why are we separating, and not continuing to pursue reconciliation?" Here's my updated statement: I have done some things that unintentionally hurt your Mum and led her to not trust me. Why I did those things is not because I don’t love your Mum. I do love her and you. I still have a some trauma in my life that isn’t fully healed, but which I’m continuing to seek to heal. Trauma is complex; it has made me do things I don’t want to do, I don’t really understand why I’ve done them, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do have to take responsibility for them. Mum has also done things that have hurt me, and am willing to keep working at reconciling and repairing. I continue to love her, I will always be your Dad, and I will always love you. My wife's statement: I have worked hard through our marriage to understand and support Dad with the issues around his trauma. Trust has been broken many times over a number of years an...

Two random stories of showering in a beach public toilet/shower block - one from the 80s, one from a few years ago. I've shared in an earlier post that a pedophile sexually abused me when I was 7 and 8. Perhaps when I was 10 I was showering in a beach toilet block with my Mum waiting outside. My Dad didn't come on Summer holidays. I was in my cubicle showering and jerking off. In the next cubicle was a tall man showering. He was tall enough he could look over the wall and saw me with my boner in my hand. A minute later he was at my cubicle door and had unlocked it from the outside and was opening the door inwards. I realised what was happening and what would happen if I let him come in, so I pushed the door hard closed and re-locked the door! I quickly finished showering and drying and ran out to my Mum crying. The man was nowhere to be seen once I got outside. Story 2 Maybe 3-4 years ago I had swum at a beach in Queensland and walked off the beach to the public toilets and sho...

Here’s my answer the question, Why we’re separating, and why we’re not continuing to pursue reconciliation: I have unintentionally done some things that hurt your Mum and led her to not trust me. Why I did those things is not because I don’t love your Mum. I do love her and you. I still have a lot of trauma in my life that isn’t healed, but which I’m continuing to seek to heal. Trauma is complex; it has made me do things I don’t want to do, I don’t really understand why I’ve done them, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do have to take responsibility for them. Mum can’t go any further with me and I need to respect that. We both feel very sad about this. I will always love her, I will always be your Dad, and I will always love you.

If I am completely honest and uncensored, part of my wants to see and be seen naked, touch, and be touched by other men, and be sexual because: I want to be desired by someone, desperately, eagerly desired, worshipped by someone. I want to know someone loves me and loves my penis, and desires to be close and touch me. I want to feel pleasure, delight, and orgasm. I want to know who I am, see and compare myself to other men. I want to be curious, know the different variations of penises. I want to be the object of someone's lust. I want to hear them cry my name out because they WANT me BAD. I want to matter to someone. I want to be wanted, pursued, I want someone to thirst for me, to be completely transfixed, mesmerised, captivated. I want them to no notice anything in the world, BUT ME!  I want to be valued, seen, appreciated, that I matter, I am important to someone. I want someone to want and value me - all of me! I want someone to love my penis like I do. I want them to pleasure...

I did not grow up going to church with my parents and my parents are not Christians. As a kid, I tried to be good and to everyone around (my parents and my teachers) I appeared to be very good, yet privately knowing I was bad.  I knew that I would only get in trouble for getting caught for doing wrong things.  If I was able to keep things hidden, then I could get away with doing things that I should not do.  This actually just made me confused. Now I thought Christians were brainwashed idiots.  My sister became a Christian and invited me along to a Youth Group.  There I thought I would watch the leaders brainwash the youth and then expose them.  Instead they studied from the bible and I was able to see from reading the bible for myself that they were not making it up.  At this point I really didn’t know if it was all real – I just hoped that God was real.  By calling myself a Christian I was really just hedging my bets.  I did not know the tr...