Outback Jack's Journey

I have my Brothers Road Zoom coaching group just now. (I really would recommend it) They asked what I'd like to work on. I said I'd like to talk to the part of me that wants to meet men on Instagram and flirt with them to feel seen. The leader got me to connect with that part of me, which is usually late at night and when someone has ignored me or rejected me. He asked what is an earlier time I've felt like this, and it was growing up. My Dad had a desk where he'd study facing away from us at the far end of the lounge room, which we could see from the kitchen and family room. I must have looked at the back of his head thousands of times wanting connection, but if I did disturb him, I'd get shouted at and told not to disturb him. I presumed there was something wrong with me for wanting connection with him. The leader got me to imagine entering that scene as my adult self, approaching little me together with Jesus. We kneel down and hug him, and tell him that there...

Late last night I was watching Star Wars: Attack of the Clones again. My daughter was going to bed and said “Good night. Are you going to bed soon?”  I said “I’ll go to bed soon, but I’m hungry and I’ll eat some food”  She asked, “Have you seen a doctor about your hunger?”  I felt shame in the question because it implied my hunger is weird or unusual and I should see a doctor about it, and why haven’t I seen a doctor about that already?! Today she left early but when she got back I was able to have a conversation with her about this and say that was a triple barrelled question that implied that I’m stupid, and this is what her Mum has done - she implicitly shames me.  She admitted that she does subtly put me down in some of her questioning. She's effectively learned from her mother who's modelled that to her. We hugged and apologised.  It was really lovely.

It's 6am and I’m feeling very sad. I've been awake for 3 hours after some memories from when I was 18 have come up. I feel punched in the guts. The building where I charged my car the other day is next door to where my Year 10 formal was held.  That got me thinking about my Year 12 formal where the students who organised it gave everyone awards (unchecked by teachers). I wasn’t in the dining hall when they gave them out, but a friend told me soon afterwards that I got some type of Loser award. 😢 I felt sad, rejected, crushed. I called Scott on video and he asked, “What are you feeling?” I couldn’t speak for over a minute, and I just cried. I felt a very heavy knot in my stomach, like the size and heaviness of a bowling ball. I also felt a heaviness on my shoulders, like someone was standing behind me pushing down on my shoulders stopping me from standing up. My mother had drummed in to me daily, "Don't be angry like your father." It's like I have a Jawa restr...

I found a piece of paper on the top shelf in my wardrobe. This is what I'd written in pencil: Where am I?  I'm near the end of my time fathering teenagers before they become adults. I'm coming near a period of time where I'm just a man (not a father or husband), possibly alone, wanting to define myself on other people. I'm at a place where I'm discovering I need to discover who i am. i want to connect with myself. What do I want?  I want to define myself independent of other people - just me. i want to be an awesome friend, awesome Dad. I want friends who love hanging out with me. I want to connect with myself. What am I Afraid of? I'm afriad of not wanting or liking myself when I connect, feeling lonely, wanting to reject myself. Alone. What I don't like about myself: Other people don't seem to like me. I'm weak, ugly, unattractive, damaged, unwanted, weird, something wrong with me, people tolerate being around me/they don't want to hang wit...

My wife and I have each answered the question, "Why are we separating, and not continuing to pursue reconciliation?" Here's my updated statement: I have done some things that unintentionally hurt your Mum and led her to not trust me. Why I did those things is not because I don’t love your Mum. I do love her and you. I still have a some trauma in my life that isn’t fully healed, but which I’m continuing to seek to heal. Trauma is complex; it has made me do things I don’t want to do, I don’t really understand why I’ve done them, and I don’t have all the answers, but I do have to take responsibility for them. Mum has also done things that have hurt me, and am willing to keep working at reconciling and repairing. I continue to love her, I will always be your Dad, and I will always love you. My wife's statement: I have worked hard through our marriage to understand and support Dad with the issues around his trauma. Trust has been broken many times over a number of years an...

Two random stories of showering in a beach public toilet/shower block - one from the 80s, one from a few years ago. I've shared in an earlier post that a pedophile sexually abused me when I was 7 and 8. Perhaps when I was 10 I was showering in a beach toilet block with my Mum waiting outside. My Dad didn't come on Summer holidays. I was in my cubicle showering and jerking off. In the next cubicle was a tall man showering. He was tall enough he could look over the wall and saw me with my boner in my hand. A minute later he was at my cubicle door and had unlocked it from the outside and was opening the door inwards. I realised what was happening and what would happen if I let him come in, so I pushed the door hard closed and re-locked the door! I quickly finished showering and drying and ran out to my Mum crying. The man was nowhere to be seen once I got outside. Story 2 Maybe 3-4 years ago I had swum at a beach in Queensland and walked off the beach to the public toilets and sho...