Loser Award

It's 6am and I’m feeling very sad. I've been awake for 3 hours after some memories from when I was 18 have come up. I feel punched in the guts.

The building where I charged my car the other day is next door to where my Year 10 formal was held. 

That got me thinking about my Year 12 formal where the students who organised it gave everyone awards (unchecked by teachers). I wasn’t in the dining hall when they gave them out, but a friend told me soon afterwards that I got some type of Loser award. 😢

I felt sad, rejected, crushed.

I called Scott on video and he asked, “What are you feeling?” I couldn’t speak for over a minute, and I just cried.

I felt a very heavy knot in my stomach, like the size and heaviness of a bowling ball. I also felt a heaviness on my shoulders, like someone was standing behind me pushing down on my shoulders stopping me from standing up.

My mother had drummed in to me daily, "Don't be angry like your father."

It's like I have a Jawa restraining bolt like they used on R2D2, except mine restrains all anger.

I first imagined lifting up the bowling ball out of my belly - the suppression my mother loaded onto me. It felt as big and as heavy as a bowling ball. I lifted it up and hurled it away from me a few metres, where it fractured hitting the ground. 

The weight in my belly was lighter, and I could feel my elbows, forearms, and biceps start to tense. My feet started tapping off the floor left and right.

Scott then asked me to reimagine the night of the year 12 formal and imagine what I would do if I let my sadness and anger fully out when I heard the news of that award.

Instead of suppressing my anger emotion, I let it out!

"Fuck you!"

And I stormed into the dining hall and grabbed the microphone, and yelled, "I'm not a fucking loser! You guys are the losers making a joke at someone else's expense. You're cowards having to do it when I was out of the room, because you know it's wrong. You guys suck! I'm outta here."

As I stormed out past the seats of the organising committee, I landed punches left and right.

I felt I had expressed my righteous anger at violating by dignity and respectful boundaries. I had asserted myself and stood up for myself. I felt powerful. In my chest I felt a warmth across my chest in my pecs. I sat up in my chair with my shoulders back, and chest open - or "open hearted". I felt strong.

The feeling was new and confusing because it was very different from what I have previously done. I felt light-headed and a little dizzy. Scott said this was new neural pathways forming. I felt tired, and lay back into my chair with my head resting against the back of my chair. I put my feet up on my desk.

Minutes later my wife texted saying she would come over to the house where I was to leave some carpet samples. Two weeks ago she came in to the house during my session with Sexcessful Men and was within earshot. I didn't speak up and continued the meeting with headphones on. Initially I turned on the heating in the cabin, so I could retreat there and not be disturbed by my wife's appearance. Then I realised that was a "hiding" response. Instead I texted her saying, "You can come over, but I'm in a meeting, so please do not disturb me." 

I like this reaction. I like the new me.