What I don't like about myself

I found a piece of paper on the top shelf in my wardrobe. This is what I'd written in pencil:

Where am I? 

  • I'm near the end of my time fathering teenagers before they become adults.
  • I'm coming near a period of time where I'm just a man (not a father or husband), possibly alone, wanting to define myself on other people.
  • I'm at a place where I'm discovering I need to discover who i am. i want to connect with myself.

What do I want? 

  • I want to define myself independent of other people - just me.
  • i want to be an awesome friend, awesome Dad.
  • I want friends who love hanging out with me.
  • I want to connect with myself.

What am I Afraid of?

  • I'm afriad of not wanting or liking myself when I connect, feeling lonely, wanting to reject myself. Alone.

What I don't like about myself:

  • Other people don't seem to like me.
  • I'm weak, ugly, unattractive, damaged, unwanted, weird, something wrong with me, people tolerate being around me/they don't want to hang with me.
  • I am extremely critical towards myself, because I think it will motivate me to change, but I want the bullying to stop.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

My Story

Image
1. Family background My Dad was from Canada. He was an alcoholic, always seemed to be angry, and verbally abusive primarily to Mum, but also my sister and I. One year I was asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I said, “One day where Mum and Dad don’t shout.” Every night he would drink and after dinner he would start shouting, mainly at my Mum, but if my sister or I would talk with him, we’d get shouted at too. So I learned to hide in my bedroom and did my schoolwork. I have no memory of him ever saying he loved me. I know many fathers of this generation didn’t, but his actions didn’t show it either. He didn’t spend time with me, he showed no physical affection, no wrestling, no hugging, he paid me no attention, gave no praise and showed no trust. Dad didn't even seem to like being around me. Dad was physically present, but distant. He didn’t raise me. It seemed he couldn’t be bothered or care about me at all. He would only want to spend time with me so I could help him with a pro...
Read more

Journey Beyond reflections

Image
Journey Beyond (JB) together with my whole trip was fantastic!  I loved hanging out with other JiM guys in Houston, Atlanta, Chicago and LA, and hanging out with Scott in Houston and celebrating his birthday (despite vomiting)! At Journey Beyond , I felt I rediscovered my boyhood and celebrated my masculinity.  In  Journey Beyond  I yelled at my “wife” for 2-min. In my Guts work, I smashing the negative messages I’ve believed about myself.  JB  was the hardest work and most fun. It was totally worth it.  I felt: affirmed, connected, and belonging as a man. I shared all this with my counsellor and he summed it up as: “You’re loving your inner child from my healthy adult self.” I agree. I also realised that the pedophile who abused me aged 7 & 8 was overweight. I vowed I would never be like him in ANY way.   That’s come out in me NEVER wanting to be overweight. This is fragmenting men into parts and only seeing part of other men, such as their ...
Read more

Am I an Exhibitionist?

Image
My workout buddy has accused me of being an exhibitionist. I had said to him a few times that my counsellor had suggested that because I used to hide from my alcoholic and verbally abusive Dad in my bedroom and did my schoolwork, that I should consider trying to feel seen. I had asked my counsellor whether it is a real need or a perceived need. Do I just need to be emotionally vulnerable and exposed by sharing my story, or do I need to physically be vulnerable and expose myself? He said both. Why I am not an exhibitionist? My desire is not to feel seen. I'm not addicted to it. Yes I've exhibited my body in the past and received attention, which I enjoyed as a shadow of the love and connection that I was desiring and missed out of getting from my Dad. When I was on Instagram, I felt the pressure to post from seeing others' posts and the affirmation they received. But I could feel the "thirst trap" that it was, and got off. What's the reason I get naked with oth...
Read more