"Dad, look at me! Dad, look at me? Dad? ...?"

I have my Brothers Road Zoom coaching group just now. (I really would recommend it)

They asked what I'd like to work on. I said I'd like to talk to the part of me that wants to meet men on Instagram and flirt with them to feel seen. The leader got me to connect with that part of me, which is usually late at night and when someone has ignored me or rejected me. He asked what is an earlier time I've felt like this, and it was growing up. My Dad had a desk where he'd study facing away from us at the far end of the lounge room, which we could see from the kitchen and family room. I must have looked at the back of his head thousands of times wanting connection, but if I did disturb him, I'd get shouted at and told not to disturb him. I presumed there was something wrong with me for wanting connection with him.

The leader got me to imagine entering that scene as my adult self, approaching little me together with Jesus. We kneel down and hug him, and tell him that there's nothing wrong with him wanting connection with his Dad, and that it's my Dad's fault for not connecting with little me - showing worth without having to do anything, being loved for just who I am (no sporting or academic achievement). I cried a lot. Then I imagined receiving those words of love and kindness and I cried some more. My friend spoke words from Jesus to me too, and I cried some more. I was very confused as a boy, and presumed that it was all because of me, but I'm growing in my feeling (not just thoughts) that it's not my fault. It was beautiful.

My friend who spoke Jesus' words said he saw for the first time why I show myself shirtless or near naked so much - because my Dad ignored me SO much, and a pedophile showed me delight, attention, and lust (which felt like love) when I was naked and being objectified. So it makes sense today that when I feel ignored, that my default is to take my clothes off and show off. 

Grieving what I didn't get and re-parenting my younger self is what I need. Imagining re-parenting is fiction, but the emotions that I feel in the imaginary past are real, and they're the ones the I'd bottled up and which needed processing and freeing, so I can grow and heal. I also need to find ways to soothe myself when I feel ignored that isn't just jerking off and feeling relaxed from an orgasm. I can relax in a nap, in a bath, in exercise, in a massage, in a platonic hug, ...