Outback Jack's Journey

Today I received a link to a short 11-min video on  Imagining your Ideal Parents . I had to stop it after 6-min. But in those 6-min, the man in the video got me to imagine three scenes: A scene where my father delighted in spending time with me. He wrestled me. He made an effort to learn cricket, and he'd spent tireless afternoons in the backyard helping me learn how to hit a cricket ball with a cricket bat. Another scene where my parents were attuned to me that they listened to me recount a tragic day where I was bullied and punched at school. The listened, didn't give advice, were attuned to my pain, and reassured me that they loved me. Another scene where my family are doing a bush walk. In reality my father would walk fast and far ahead. I couldn't catch up, despite running. In the new imagined scene, my father is attuned to my tiredness and exhaustion, and he cares deeply. He doesn't blame me for being weak and not keeping up, he apologises for going on such a lon...

Through love and vulnerability, I build authentic communities where people feel complete in Christ.   (I'm thankful to The Crucible Project weekend, Mission and Purpose , which I attended in August 2023.)

I had a massage today with a man from MassageExchange.com It was totally good. 0% sexual energy. The guy was tall and deaf, so we had to communicate by writing on an iPhone. I went first and was naked under a towel. I didn't notice until the end, but he just had a towel around his waist. He gave me the best massage I've ever had! On my front, he folded my arm up behind my back and massaged my triceps. I don't recall ever having had them massaged before! When doing my legs (on my front), he folded my leg up so my foot was against my other knee, and then he massaged my inner thigh. I didn't think it was sore until he rubbed it. He was very respectful about my penis. It flopped out from under the towel once, and he tucked it back in by using the towel. By far at least twice as good as I've ever had! He massaged everything including my chest and abs! He rubbed each of my 6-pack muscles, which I hadn't realised were sore.  I massaged him also in towel. It was a reall...

Sarah, Sam, Liz, & I had a family meeting after dinner tonight and told the girls tonight that we wouldn’t be doing any more reconciliation. (Just prior Liz was joking that we’d have a re-commitment ceremony where Sam could be the bridesmaid and Liz would be my best man.) The girls banded together and made a list of questions. Starting with “Why?” Sarah answered but Liz was only half listening and Sam was distracted. But after she answered I respectfully said, “I don’t agree with that”, so we didn’t repeat it when they asked. We had discussed this possibility beforehand.  The girls wanted to ask us questions independently, but we said we wouldn’t because we didn’t want to triangulate them even inadvertently, so we would answer questions together. They asked if we were getting divorced. We said no.  They had a few other questions and finished with, “How long until we can rib you with Bible verses about how God hates divorce?” (They had already been ribbing us.) We then real...

For me, I feel repair is still needed with: Feeling rejected by Sarah after discussing my joy of feeling a man after JiM  (We have discussed this and Sarah has asked if it made sense for her to feel hurt, which I agree, but I don't feel she has repaired with me). Rejecting hearing my whole story, particularly how the pedophile tricked me with a game. Rejecting my penis - after asking her to hold it and say, "This is our special thing" to overlay that phrase from my sexual abuser. Rejection from Sarah declining sex, not loving me when I wanted to make love. Not feeling pursued by Sarah. If we get back together, you must  touch me more, and not just when we make love. Declining to read A Bigger World Yet  (she has said it made sense for her not to read it because she was still feeling hurt, which I agree, but I don't feel she has repaired with me). She later (spitefully?) told me she had read the book, but we never discussed it, or what she gained from reading it. Feeli...

Last night my sister gave me a chilli dish that had two Australian tablespoons (40ml) of chilli in it (what the recipe called for). I couldn't eat it and added diced tomatoes and tomato sauce to eat it, but during the night my body wanted it out and ran to the toilet a number of times. This morning when I walked out of the bathroom I saw my fasted/starved body in the mirror and thought, "Wow your abs look really shredded!" I mentioned this to Scott. He asked, " What are you telling yourself about your abs ?" I said, "I look like an attractive model, so I must be attractive. But if I'm attractive, why don't I have any friends? I must not be attractive." I found that surprising. Scott found it interesting. My presupposition were:  Attractive people always have friends. I don't have friends. I was surprised by that. Scott found it interesting and asked when did I first begin to believe these things. It was in primary school when I was aged 6 o...

I was fearing that my wife was going to file for divorce any day now, as it's 12 months of separation. Legally you gotta have 'irreconcilable differences'. I asked her about that and she said that wasn't how she was thinking. She also said she wouldn't push the divorce button because she knew that would mean she was the one bailing out. I said the same. So perhaps we're both stubborn. But it also means we're committing to at least co-parent. And also committing to monthly counselling. I've recently learned from a Betrayal Conference, that they betrayed wife needs the husband's empathy to heal. So whether we get back together or not, she needs me to show her empathy. I've not done that because I've thought she was over-reacting. (I've had husbands in my online support group be involved in sexual affairs with other men and women for months and the wife has taken them back) I've not had sex with anyone. Yes I did a nude video call, but I...