Outback Jack's Journey

On Wednesday I met with Bobby on Skype to talk through the drama of the last week: the high of the extremely affirming hug Doug gave me, then the low of realising that was a boundary breach, together with the surprising discovery of being disassociated from my chest. So we did EMDR thinking about the scene of my abuse in the hotel bed with Haddin somewhere on Vancouver Island when I was 8. (The following greyed out text describes grooming and may be disturbing. Scroll down to skip, or highlight to read) I recalled being in bed. He was reaching over and starting to unbutton my pyjama top. I felt an icky, alarming feeling as I don't recall anyone ever unbuttoning my clothes before. This is wrong. But he complimented me, assured me it was okay, and then the feeling of his skin rubbing my chest was comforting. Touch from a man was so foreign. He then pulled my pants down and fondled my penis. That felt good. Dad hadn't ever done this. Dad didn't love me, but this man did. I do

“My father died.” “Oh that must be so hard for you. A father-son relationship is so special.  My Dad is the world to me.” But MY father died. It wasn’t hard. I felt relief.  I said I didn’t have a great relationship with him. But you're thinking 'Below average' and say, "That’s sad.” But 'not great' really does mean 'non-existent'. Let me tell you. I miss my father.  I miss the shouting, the anger, the rage.  I miss hiding his grog.  I miss hiding in my room, doing schoolwork, being the good little boy.  He's dead, so no more memories.  I remember him playing with me once.  It wasn’t what I wanted to do.  We built a glider, or rather HE did.  It flew once, but it crashed.  I kept it for 20 years.  Hoping he’d say, “Let’s spend some time together. Let's fly that old glider again!” The glider symbolised hope. Hope for our relationship to get off the ground. Hope of him delighting in me, loving me, trusting me. The glider moved house a few times, b

One of my students said to me yesterday, "How much did they pay you to be in the Davidoff advert?" I had to ask who was Davidoff was. He explained it was the guy who's chest is on all the bus stop billboards. I then realised it was this image. It was a genuine compliment from a man in a non-sexual way. More evidence that men accept me as a man. Things like this used to bounce off my shields, but I was able to say, "Thank you" to him and accept the compliment. Yes it's a compliment about my physical body, not my character, but a compliment nonetheless. Other evidence from men who accept me as a man: Doug M affirms my character as "awesome", give me hugs, and wants to hang out with me. Peter A affirmed me as someone who helps connect him to other men, challenging him out of isolation.  Scott C affirms my loyalty and says I'm one of his best friends. Matt G gives me hugs consistently when he sees me, and affirms my physical appearance, and strengt

I celebrated my 1-month sobriety token at the SA meeting today! This post is what I shared in the meeting: This week I inadvertently broke another boundary with my wife, but I didn't break my sobriety! I'm meant to be showing her I'm trustworthy!  I shared with Doug about my SSA. I feared he'd reject and abandon me. But he didn't. He did have some questions and I answered those. And finished by giving me a good hug, which I feared he wouldn't.  This Sunday we tell the kids we're going to live separately. But we're going to live together for another week, then my wife will move out for a week. A week later we'll swap and I'll move out for the next week.  I'm not going to stay with Doug, but at a friend's granny flat (where my wife will also stay). I'm going to see it as an opportunity to be alone and connect with God and be comfortable with myself. I'll also read books and journal.  I told a friend, "I can't see how God ca

The blessing of yesterday's hug has turned into a nightmare. Unfortunately I've realised that another breach of my wife’s boundaries, which are:  No sexual or romantic conduct with another man or woman outside our marriage. This includes an unhealthy emotional connection. Any form of genital contact (even through clothing), naked holding, romantic kissing, erotic chat (including by phone, text, email, internet), taking, sending, exchanging, or requesting naked pictures, naked or erotic webcamming — or similar behaviours —regardless of your intentions and regardless of who initiated it. Any ‘holding’ to be done only within the Brother’s Road guidelines for ‘golden father holding’. It was definitely naked holding. I’m trying to show my wife that I’m not breaking boundaries. And before we even separate I’ve broken another one! 🤬🤦‍♂️ Naked pic Touching a man in his bathing suit area Nude man video call Meeting an SSA man in a private setting that was avoidable  Naked holding I do

Today I worked out with Doug and got naked in the sauna and locker room with him again. He gives me hugs when we met at the gym, and a side hug in the sauna. I love it; he's so affirming and I receive it. I'd just stepped out of the shower for the last time and was wiping my naked body down. Doug stepped out of his shower naked, saw me stepping out too, and just came and gave me a hug. It was genuine, tender, and caring. It was just what I needed and I just sank into it. But then I started shaking in fear. Then I cried. He didn't care that another man came in to shower room and we were there naked and hugging! I could feel his whole body against mine (including his limp penis against my leg). It was not sexual at all. I just felt seen, accepted and loved! I could feel REALLY accepted as he was holding my entire body. It was a loving platonic embrace, like a father would give to his sad hurting son. I cried because I longed for that type of hug and unrestrained love from my

Today I did an exercise in " Healing Trauma " where I put my hand under a pulsing shower and felt the water on my hand and said, "This is my hand. My hand belongs to me. My hand is part of my body." Then I move on to my forearm, my bicep, my shoulder, my feet, my lower legs, my upper legs, my abs, my chest, neck, face and head. But when I got to my chest I couldn't say, "My chest belongs to me". Instead I just cried. Eventually the words through my torn up face were, "It's mine! It belongs to me!" Eventually I stopped crying, so I tried saying the words again, but again it was very difficult to say the words and I cried again. This happened again. Then I was too tired to try again or continue onto my neck and head. I expect this dissociation of my chest from my body relates to my abuse somehow. It also would explain why I see other men's chests as the feature that defines "a real man". I walked the dog with my wife and shar

There were 3 readings in the Sexaholics Anonymous meeting tonight:  The seduction of a man by a woman who wanted his gaze and then touch. Lust starts WAY back, much earlier than the masturbation or the "drink". SA seeks to remove all hints of Lust. I can't remember the 3rd reading! I could relate to the seduction story as I was the one doing the seducing. I have also realised recently that I need to remove all forms of: lust, adrenaline, attention, dopamine... So this week I am g etting rid of attention seeking clothing, and I deleted & blocked contacts on social media’s and deleted Instagram.  My goal is to connect and pray with God and other believers and see the truth about how God sees me.

A week ago my wife said she wanted to live separately from me because I had repeatedly broken boundaries, trust, and she felt hurt and betrayed. In her words:      I have struggled with the way our values seem to be moving apart.       The following things are values I hold strongly but I have seen you seem to be moving away from: Honesty, openness and trust Inner self and character above exterior Love of others with a desire to serve and build up rather than use for own advantage. I've felt sad and numb.  I own that I've broken the boundaries , but am also making progress with why I've broken them. Her 2nd point is basically, 'I've made my exterior, physical, muscular attributes more important than my character.' Since mid-2019, I've worked on building up my physical appearance by working out and lifting weights. But I have also continued working at my inner self and character, but they are not visible. Her 3rd point is basically, 'I've loved myself