Outback Jack's Journey

My Boundaries September 2021  I will keep sexual or romantic conduct/contact only with my wife (so with anyone else I will not engage in: erotic chat, requesting/sending erotic or naked pictures, naked video, touching in the underwear area, cuddling, etc).  To meet my needs safely, I will: Meet with other SSA men in public*.  If a private situation with an SSA man is unavoidable, I will: check in before with my support men (Matt, Paul, Owie, Richard, Doug, Scott), give an expected timeframe, and check in at the end. I will also notify the other man that no touching is to occur in that time of being in private. Have non-sexual physical contact with other SSA men in public*, such as hugs (but no touching in the underwear area). Any ‘holding’ to be done only with having at least one other person present and holding done visualising the ‘golden father’ in line with Brother’s Road guidelines for ‘golden father holding’.  Engage in any non-sexual nudity only if 3 or more men are present in-p

Doug and I did Body Pump on Monday and had been in the sauna a few times and showered a few times. After the final shower, we sat on the bench with our towels wrapped around our waists resting, waiting for our bodies to stop sweating a bit more before getting dressed. He put his arm on my shoulder and said, "I think you're awesome man." My towel had dropped over my legs so my penis was exposed. As he said that and showed me some affection, I got a boner. I was seated near the entrance to the locker room and there seemed to be a lot of men walking in who would have easily seen my hard penis. I felt the temptation to cover it up out of shame.  The fear and shame of being labelled as "gay" is dreadful. That had happened in the past. I had boys in year 10 bullied me saying I was gay, and denying it only made it worse! Once they'd said it, it was like mud that stuck. It's a few simple words that crushed my identity and masculinity. That experience led me to t

I am known as: André. What others don’t know about me is: I don't value myself. I only give myself value when others hang out with me.  I was sexually abused aged 7 and 8, I struggle to feel I am a "real man", I have lusted after myself and other men. What I struggle to accept about me and my life is that I have value in myself, and that men accept me as a man. I didn't learn much at all about being a man from my father. What I learned about being a man from my mother is that masculinity is physical attributes that you can see. I am like my father: I am assertive. I am like my mother: I often play the "victim", I am selfish. I am different from my father: I can say "I love you", I can apologise for mistakes, I can express emotions, I can see a counsellor and not "lose it", I trust in Jesus. I am different from my mother: I am not a narcissist. What wounds do I carry as a man: I think the masculine characteristics are ones you can see: vis

I’ve just had a lovely tender moment with Jesus this morning, and shed some tears all with a boner! Last night Doug and I were sitting beside each other with our arms around each other's shoulders. I slouched down the couch a bit and he rubbed my beard with his arm. I grieved that Dad didn’t help me to own my masculinity and feel that I was man enough. It wasn't that Doug was giving me any of his masculinity, it was more that I became aware that I did have a beard (a uniquely masculine attribute) and I was affirmed and reminded that I already had it. Then I felt that Jesus was holding my face and saying “I love you. You are man enough. You’re my brother.”  I had a boner because I’ve longed for that my whole life SO much with every cell in my body!  Then Jesus hugged me and I felt his beard against my beard, and realised I’m the same as him - we're both men. I cried some more.  All of this was sitting in my car outside the gym!

I've realised that I've lived most of my life in the FREEZE trauma response, which I've also described as a medium-high level of background anxiety. I've just listened to this podcast episode "The Freeze Trauma Response" When a traumatic event happens or perception of a traumatic event, our Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) triggers the FIGHT or FLIGHT reaction and this happens without thinking,  it's automatic, it's the survival instinct, it all happen below the conscious mind! The Prefrontal Cortex (rational part of the brain) goes offline .         This video explains the Freeze and Fawn (people pleasing) responses However, if we realise that neither the Fight or Flight reactions are viable options, the body goes into the FREEZE response. The Stop! command is given, yet adrenaline is still pumping, which is exhausting. In the animal world, this is when say, a gazelle, can't fight or outrun a tiger, so the body freezes, goes limp, shuts dow

Today in my counselling session with Bobby we resisted my first memory of abuse from the perpetrator in the lounge room of my house when I was 7 years old.  It's a bright Summer's day. I walk out into the lounge room in my pyjama shorts. Haddin is there in his underwear. He plays a game and asks me to play the game with my penis. I'm shocked and step backwards. I feel unsafe despite being in my house. My chest tightens, there's a lump in my throat, my brow furrows, my legs feel jump.  "NO! No one gets to touch my body there. That's wrong!" I get to choose who touches me, where they touch me, and when they touch me! This man wanted to touch my penis and that is wrong! I run. I run out of the house - even though I'm only in my pyjama shorts. I run to the neighbour's house. I meet the big tall David Walkham. He's surprised to see me just in my shorts and crying. "Help!" "Of course! What's going on?" "There's a man.

1. Family background My Dad was from Canada. He was an alcoholic, always seemed to be angry, and verbally abusive primarily to Mum, but also my sister and I. One year I was asked what I wanted for Christmas, and I said, “One day where Mum and Dad don’t shout.” Every night he would drink and after dinner he would start shouting, mainly at my Mum, but if my sister or I would talk with him, we’d get shouted at too. So I learned to hide in my bedroom and did my schoolwork. I have no memory of him ever saying he loved me. I know many fathers of this generation didn’t, but his actions didn’t show it either. He didn’t spend time with me, he showed no physical affection, no wrestling, no hugging, he paid me no attention, gave no praise and showed no trust. Dad didn't even seem to like being around me. Dad was physically present, but distant. He didn’t raise me. It seemed he couldn’t be bothered or care about me at all. He would only want to spend time with me so I could help him with a pro

Tonight we read from an Alcoholics Anonymous book. It was stories of men - one who had been sober for 25 years, retired at 55, got regularly drunk, and died within 4 years. Another had a good day, let his guard down, and thought,  “It couldn’t hurt”, got drunk , and the next day wondered, “ How did that ever happen?!” Some comments that resonated were: My brain is damaged and I won’t ever be a “normal” person again (able to drink responsibly); If I have “self confidence”, that’s really arrogance; Acting out happens when I’m “off guard” Lust triggers more lust and my brain doesn’t function normally (so cutting out all lust/dopamine is key); Knowledge nor willpower doesn’t help  What works is working the steps including focusing on my spirituality and relying on God.  I’ve definitely cut out a lot of Dopamine by cutting out unhelpful social media and contacts. So I’m my workout app I have no friends and so it’s not a social media app now. I deleted my Instagram account, which was a sou

I try to say these to myself daily.  My Golden Masculine memory  was in Houston in Nov 2021 when I was working out in Scott's garage with my friend Jim. Scott drove up with an unexpected passenger. It was my friend Cam Stoll from Indiana and my JiM weekend of 2019!!! He’d flown from Chicago to come spend 2 days with me! I almost died. I wanted to give him a hug, and I said I would, but I was dropping with sweat! He said he didn't care. I gave him a big hug.  Scott and Jim joined the hug too.  I felt like the star of “This Is Your Life”!  I felt SO VALUED, LOVED, and SPECIAL as a man and friend. My name is André. I am 51 year old man, a devoted husband, and loving father of 2 wonderful, beautiful girls.  I have beautiful, brown eyes. I have strong, brown and grey hair. I have a beautiful smile. I have a rugged, shaggy beard, a hairy muscular chest, (and sometimes a 6-pack).  I have smooth, soft, dark skin. My body is a beautiful gift from God. My body is the temple of the Holy S