Outback Jack's Journey

In our counselling last week, my wife did not remember me saying in a previous counselling session that if there were Hidden Criteria for us reconciling, that she needs to tell me and not expect I can read her mind.  She’s just sent an email with a list of 10x things that will show how I can rebuild trust! Being a person of your word - following through on what you say you will do. Reading and replying to emails and text messages. Not hiding information or being deceptive. Communication about things related to the girls and their care without prompting. Being able to discuss things respectfully as adults. Taking responsibility for your actions and decisions. Engaging with Christian men I respect as accountability support. Communication about what is happening with your support - new groups/dropping groups Updates on any issues with boundaries. Keeping boundaries without seeking to bend them. Evidence that you are working towards a positive future for yourself, our family and our relati

Mum, I remember you and Dad shouting at each other or at me. Later you'd come to me and apologise for Dad's behaviour. I felt it wasn't right or appropriate that you apologised for his behaviour; he should be the one to apologise, but he never ever did. You would comfort me, and then say "Don't be like your father". The consequence and cost of that meant you drove a wedge between him and me, and between me and the man who needed to help me identify as a man. Effectively you emasculated me. You said, "Don't be like your father" so many times, that I rejected all aspects of him both good and bad. I rejected his anger and violent words. But it also cost me: identifying with his masculinity, copying his assertiveness and leadership, modelling from his initiative-taking, picking up his strength of character. I hand that back to you. Mum, what’s on you is: triangulating me away from Dad, emasculating me, trying to make me “a good little boy” that was

I see same sex sexual attraction as a projection of self-insecurities onto others. i.e. What I feel I'm lacking, when I see them in other men, I want them. I think I can cannibalise them into me. Most gay/SSA men feel low in confidence and perceive other men as confident. Similarly we feel "less of a man" for various reasons (being short, missing social cues, scars, having a small penis, being objectified, not being athletic, appearing weak, not having enough body hair, etc). So those things make it onto our list of "masculine imperatives" - essential things for real men to have. We say, "Real men have these things and I don't." Unfortunately we've defined a fiction and put ourselves outside the box. It's self-condemnation, which becomes self-hatred, and self-shaming. We look for differences between ourselves and other men. Even if I'm taller, more muscular, and more confident than another man, I will ignore those and see that he's

Counselling started on Wednesday with me bursting into tears simply because she asked, "How are you doing?" - a small act of kindness. My Inner Critic had been working overtime in the last week and the last few days and I was tearing myself to shred with elaborations on "You suck!": I was the one who was sexually assaulted, I had unsafe parents that I hid from, I'm the one who has hurt my wife all through our marriage, I'm at fault for causing the separation, I repeatedly can't consider how others will react or feel, particularly my wife and the kids, I have friends who feel I use them, I have lied and been deceptive, and I feel alone and rejected. In summary: I suck. Ruth asked how regulated I felt out of 10, and I was at 3. Later she told me she could not proceed if I was even only feeling 5/10. She tried to help me get present by concentrating on catching a stress ball, but that was too stressful! Then I calmed down by holding some soft material and t

“My father died.” “Oh that must be so hard for you. A father-son relationship is so special. My Dad is the world to me.” But MY father died. It wasn’t hard. I felt relief. I said I didn’t have a great relationship with him. But you're thinking 'Below average' and say, "That’s sad.” But 'not great' really does mean 'non-existent'. Let me tell you. I miss my father. I miss the shouting, the anger, the rage. I miss hiding his grog. I miss hiding in my room, doing schoolwork, being the good little boy.  He's dead, so no more memories. I remember him playing with me once. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. We built a glider, or rather HE did.  It flew once, but it crashed. I kept it for 20 years. Hoping he’d say, “Let’s spend some time together. Let's fly that old glider again!” The glider symbolised hope. Hope for our relationship to get off the ground. Hope of him delighting in me, loving me, trusting me. The glider moved house a few times, but I thre

This Monday morning I got up and did a 30-min Les Mills Core workout. When I got to the bathroom the pic to the right is similar to what I saw in the mirror (not me as I've committed to not sending shirtless pics of myself, I have chest hair, and a beard, but similar abs and obliques definition). I realised I needed to connect with my unseen child in the shower. I did. He was feeling alone in his bedroom, just wanting a hug from his Dad, to be seen, acknowledged, and for Dad to say, "I'm proud of you just the way you are."  I cried.  It was awesome.

Today I didn’t go to my regular church that I’ve been to every week since it started in Easter 2010 (except for being sick or away). I’ve not felt supported by my pastor (who knows about my SSA) or my local support crew, who also know. We’ve had 8 pastors in 14 years, so we’ve not had a great run. I don’t find the current pastor to be giving any encouragement for evangelism or having compassion for the lost; he hasn’t been vulnerable and shared deeply of himself, so everyone is hiding behind their “good Christian façade”; in 14 years I can only recall 2 talks on sex or with much application for our sex lives.  But even all that wasn’t getting me thinking about church. I was thinking about my kids and keeping them in a stable strong youth group.  So when Doug said he wouldn’t continue to drive across town to my church, but wanted to find a more local church to where his kids went to school. That’s when I started thinking about my church, and other churches.  Today we went to Crossroads.

I am: curious, loving, helpful, friendly, tender, accepting, assertive, athletic, confident, bold, leader, decisive, integrity, honest, truthful.  What I want to be like: I am firstly a Christian, pursuing God, known as a man who prays, leading and sacrificing for my family, and leading others in evangelism.  Mornings I wake and spend time walking our dog, walking with my wife, cycling or working out with other men. I’m home to help my kids get ready and off to school.  I go to work and rest at lunchtime so I have energy for my family in the evenings.  After work I’m home to help our kids with homework, get to afternoon activities, or help with dinner.  After dinner, I lead my family in reading and applying the Bible, and praying.  Evenings Holidays  Birthdays  Online  I decline friend requests  Relationships with men Relationships with women Relationships with my sister Relationships with my daughters Relationships with my wife I enable my wife to be the best woman she can be, pursuin

Yesterday my wife and I had a session with our new counsellor, a psychologist, Ruth Holt. It was a good yet hard initial session.  We arrived early because my wife walks really fast (even though she’s shorter than me) so I was sweating even before the session started! 🥵 It was really hard to hear from my wife all the ways I’ve hurt her (lying, doc pics, naked pics, naked video calls, rationalising, etc). I teared up. The counsellor said I looked sad and asked if I wanted to comfort her, and I said I did, but my wife said she didn’t want me to touch her. 😢 Ruth spent about 30-min just talking to me, hearing about my distant father, repeated sexual assault aged 7+8, feeling alone, hating myself, living with a constant fear that I’m in trouble or the cause of everything bad, the inner child + EMDR healing work I’ve done. She asked what I called the dissociative state; I said The Grey Zone. She asked what gets me out of it; I said: an orgasm, sleep, or exercise.  My wife was like: I’ve h

1. Make a list of 10 stories from your childhood or early adulthood (before 21 years of age) that you would say had a profound effect on your life.  Stories of Wholeness - The first five stories will be about wholeness...a time when you felt wholeness and goodness...justice, delight and belonging. For Stories of Wholeness, 1 is of the least amount of joy and delight and 5 would be the time in your life when you felt all the world was right, the happiest day you remember, etc. Skiing with Anita, Michael, Neil, aged 20. Rank 2. Prowling at night with Matthew, aged 12. Rank 3. Becoming the leader in the final project for my Bachelor of Information Technology, aged 21. Rank 2. Being delighted in by my Uncle Max, aged about 3. Rank 3. Being invited to dinner by Michael, Shane, and Don. Rank 3. 2. Stories of Harm - The second five stories will be a wound story involving an experience of loss, betrayal, powerlessness, or shame. For Stories of Harm, 1 is of the least amount hurt and heartache