Outback Jack's Journey

Realising the difference between:  Perceived Threat (past or future) Actual Threat (present) Perceived Threats can include: Feeling used Feeling I will disappoint someone. If someone is disappointed, I have expected that I will get hurt. Strategy: People pleasing, so they're not disappointed Fight/Flight/Freeze and Fear may be justified. Survival is on the line. No rational choice. Regulate - with breathing and exercise Reaction Actions chosen based on: Values, Integrity, Happiness, Beliefs, Boundaries Reactions based on: Survival, not rational choice.

Greg 's characteristics Scott 's characteristics Arnie 's characteristics confidence confidence confidence athletic athletic athletic friendly friendly friendly assertive assertive assertive decisive decisive decisive leader leader leader accepting accepting tender helpful loving curious bold These role models are me! I am: curious, loving, helpful, friendly, tender, accepting, assertive, athletic, confident, bold, leader, decisive, integrity, honest, truthful.  "What would Scott do?" Default: Reacting because I feel threatened, I will choose SURVIVAL over VALUES. New me: I can regulate myself and not live a life out of reactions,  I can choose SURVIVAL over VALUES. 

Here are some things that I have silently expected, and been disappointed when they've not been met, and probably triggered. Wife: I have expected my wife to touch me constantly, to help soothe and calm me. I have expected my wife to want to be near me and touch me whenever she's nearby. I have expected my wife to desire me sexually and want to make love to me daily, or at least 3x/week. I have wished my wife would be sexually adventurous trying different positions and locations, like those alluded to in Song of Songs. My local support friends: Doug, Matt, Richard, Phil, Andy, Peter, Owie:  I have expected these men to initiate hugs with me every day I see them. I have expected these men to understand me, understand my SSA needs, be keen to research SSA material, be compassionate, be curious, love me, defend me, be on "my side", and be my advocate. I have expected these men to respond to group texts (reading linked articles and videos) within a few hours and show supp...

I had been wanting to go to a Journey Into Manhood weekend for years. I was waiting for it to be "more convenient", like for it to be in Asia or the east coast of the USA, or next door, and cost nothing! Finally I decided it was the one thing I knew would help, and the cost to my sanity and repeatedly being out of integrity with my values because of my same sex lust was growing. I realised it was the biggest issue in my life and I was hardly spending any money on it. I was giving thousands of dollars to ministries and missionaries, but not valuing my mental and spiritual health. So I spent the money on flying across the Pacific, and even all the way to Indiana. The Journey Into Manhood weekend was transformational. I realised I was not alone. I realised I wasn't so weird. I realised I was good looking. I realised that the people who called me their friend weren't just faking it or tolerating me, they genuinely liked me, and I began to like myself too. I realised I wa...

I'm working out in the nude. I'm not jerking off or anything sexual. I'm just feeling unseen/rejected/abandoned. I missed going to Brazilian Jujitsu this morning and I'm feeling disconnected from men. My body is responding in Fear, but I’m trying to calm it down.  I do have counselling this arvo, so I’ll process this then. What I'm meant to do at this point is work out where the Fear is coming from: past, present, or future. It is not present, but my body is reacting unconsciously as if it is a present fear.  However, the fear is from the past: where I was rejected in primary school and high school by peers. When I was in year 5, most mornings all the other year 5s would play British Bulldog - a game played on grass where one person was "in" and everyone else ran from one side of the field to the other hoping not to get tagged. Whenever I was "in", I found it very difficult to catch anyone on the first few runs. This resulted in bullying and teas...

4x Joy-filled Memories: Aged 12, flying a glider with my Dad - possibly the only positive memory I have with him. Joy level now: 1/10. Original joy level: 6/10 Aged 33, proposing to my wife outside the Opera House using postcards written by her family and closest friends. Joy level now: 4/10. Original joy level: 8/10 Aged 45, my daughter asking me to how to ask the Holy Spirit into her heart. Joy level now: 10/10. Original joy level: 8/10 Aged 50, receiving a surprise visit from a friend who'd flown 1,800 km to see me. Joy level now: 9/10. Original joy level: 9/10 4x Distressing Memories: Aged 12, flying a glider with my Dad - possibly the only positive memory I have with him. Distress level now: 3/10. Original distress level: 10/10 Aged 8, sexual assault by a man. Distress level now: 2/10. Original distress level: 10/10 Aged 16, Bullying by peers at school. Distress level now: 5/10. Original distress level: 10/10 Aged 49, Having my hopes of living as a new man crushed by...

I just finished talking with Scott, who's been on a week of therapy for sexual abuse in Washington state. He said the leader said to him, "You were made to want to make love to anything beautiful. You want to merge with beauty." This begs the question, "Are you going to make love to everything that arouses you?" Clearly he's not, but needed to have an attitude other than shame for when he was aroused by different people and things in different scenarios. I often have close friends give me compliments because they know I've filtered them out of my internal narrative. My shields are down now and I can receive compliments, it's not to get a big head, but receiving them now improves my mental health, my internal perception, and my self worth. Yes I need to be not reliant on other people, and just value myself and God's perception of me, but my default position is to criticise myself, put myself down, self-condemn, self-hate, and self-loathe, so rece...