Outback Jack's Journey

4x Joy-filled Memories: Aged 12, flying a glider with my Dad - possibly the only positive memory I have with him. Joy level now: 1/10. Original joy level: 6/10 Aged 33, proposing to my wife outside the Opera House using postcards written by her family and closest friends. Joy level now: 4/10. Original joy level: 8/10 Aged 45, my daughter asking me to how to ask the Holy Spirit into her heart. Joy level now: 10/10. Original joy level: 8/10 Aged 50, receiving a surprise visit from a friend who'd flown 1,800 km to see me. Joy level now: 9/10. Original joy level: 9/10 4x Distressing Memories: Aged 12, flying a glider with my Dad - possibly the only positive memory I have with him. Distress level now: 3/10. Original distress level: 10/10 Aged 8, sexual assault by a man. Distress level now: 2/10. Original distress level: 10/10 Aged 16, Bullying by peers at school. Distress level now: 5/10. Original distress level: 10/10 Aged 49, Having my hopes of living as a new man crushed by my wife.

I just finished talking with Scott, who's been on a week of therapy for sexual abuse in Washington state. He said the leader said to him, "You were made to want to make love to anything beautiful. You want to merge with beauty." This begs the question, "Are you going to make love to everything that arouses you?" Clearly he's not, but needed to have an attitude other than shame for when he was aroused by different people and things in different scenarios. I often have close friends give me compliments because they know I've filtered them out of my internal narrative. My shields are down now and I can receive compliments, it's not to get a big head, but receiving them now improves my mental health, my internal perception, and my self worth. Yes I need to be not reliant on other people, and just value myself and God's perception of me, but my default position is to criticise myself, put myself down, self-condemn, self-hate, and self-loathe, so rece

Today I reflected on when I had felt Fear. We talked about Spheres of Influence - where I have Control, Influence, and Concern. I can only take action in the areas of my Control. I may be able to influence in the next area, but I should not stress about areas in the outer ring. (there's more here, but I can't recall at this time) Inner Critic Messages from Peter: Message/Lie: Pros: Cons: How I prove message is wrong: You're weak Motivates me to be physically strong, work hard Gets me down. I just want to show my physical strength Work out, show others I'm strong, toughen up You're not organised Helps me be organised Gets me down.  Show I'm organised, achieve things You're Selfish Helps me to love others Gets me down.  List what I do for others You're not valued List people who see value in me You're stupid Encourages me to remember and motivates me to work harder Gets me down. List ways I'm smart You're gay Gets me down.

My name is André. I am a lion. The g old I see in you is vulnerability. The gold I see in you is honesty. The gold I see in you is self discipline. The gold I see in you is tenacity. The gold I see in you is real man leading. The gold I see in you is _________. The gold I see in you is beauty. The gold I see in you is your confident masculinity. The gold I see in you is king of the family. The gold I see in you is defender of the weak. The gold I see in you is courage. The gold I see in you is strength. The gold I see in you is a commitment to self improvement. The Gold I See In You.MP3

This is the diagram the counsellor gave me from the Service Assisting Male Survivors of Sexual Assault service (SAMSAA). It explains:  Why I overreact to present events (because my body thinks it's something life-of-death similar to the past),  Why I'm exhausted all the time (because I'm constantly triggered into Hypo-arousal),  Why I do irrational things against my values and integrity (in Fight/Flight/Freeze, my rational brain is off to enable split second reaction times),  Why my body has craved porn and masturbation (because that's how it gets an orgasm, which gets me out of Freeze mode),  Why I'm resistant to exercising less (because it's the only healthy way I've found that gets me out of Freeze mode).

It's 4am and I'm awake. I'm with my kids this week, but they're in bed. About 11:30pm last night I was feeling fear and sadness because I felt alone and valueless. I wanted to get value from being with other people, or at least being noticed and valued by someone. I tried reminding myself that all the men from the Crucible Project weekend valued me and loved me, but it was connecting with Doug and Scott that helped me find some value before I headed to bed.  I was curious, "What's behind the feeling scared and rejected? When did I first feel this way?" I felt alone after I refused the sexual advances of the pedophile in the hotel on Vancouver Island after he began sexually assaulting another boy in the same bed. I was physically close to him, yet incredibly distant as the man "played" with the other boy right next to me. I felt alone dragging myself through the days that followed until I was taken to a playground where we would meet my parents. B

I have listened to messages that I'm a fraud, inadequate as a man, not a real man - which makes me feel insecure like a Gecko. The weight of these messages weight on my chest heavily crushing me to the ground, so I could not move and was paralysed. But I fought back, I rose up, using all my strength to push them off. I punched them to death and silenced them. I am strong, tall, and powerful. I am a LION! My colour is RED. I wear it like a cape, like a king. I am now LION!

My Younger Self: I feel unsafe, insecure. I don't have anyone to turn to. Dad is unapproachable, angry, unsafe. But who am I? I feel like nothing, no one, unvalued, left alone, unwanted. What is wrong with me? I need love. I need to be valued and wanted, loved! Touched! I need a big hug, a long cuddle. I want to feel safe and secure. I want to be protected, have someone to defend me, stand up for me, show me I'm valued and important - so valued that you don't care what anyone else thinks. you care and are willing and happy to show me physical affection publicly and don't care that other people can see. you are proud of me and proud to show the world your affection for me. I am worth more than anything in the world to you. I don't want to hide - I want to be seen. I am not an embarrassment - You are proud of me. I am delighted in. You life me up and exalt me to the world. My Adult Self to my Younger Self: I love you. I see you. I'm proud of you. I want to be with

 What I want the world to see: (I'm strong, fit, and muscular) (I've got it together with my family) (I've got an awesome job, and am successful at it) The things I don't want you to know about me: (I'm anxious all the time, and need to exercise to feel "normal") (my marriage is not great, and largely my fault) But even more than that: I don't want you to know that I am sexually attracted to men, and that I am currently separated from my wife due to being deceptive, hiding things, and breaking boundaries.

I have often felt I face a dilemma with my wife. The current dilemma is: Dilemma Go for it voice: Go work out at the gym Opposing Voice: Spend time with the kids and family Action: Go to the gym Prioritise them, spend time with my wife and kids, do something as a family. Payoff: It soothes my anxiety and helps me feel strong. I'll please my wife and connect with my kids Loss or bad thing: I'll lose my marriage I'll be weak and anxious

I let other people determine my value. My self worth is tied to others. When I expect to hang out with someone I perceive them giving me value. When they then can’t, I perceive it as rejection. But if someone doesn't hang out with me, it is just them missing out on connecting with me and me giving them value. I’m not valuing myself. I only give myself value when others hang out with me. I want to have value by myself. I expect my parents didn’t help me feel secure. So I feel insecure in my masculinity. I now need assurance from others. I expect I can heal from my Insecure Attrachment.  I’ve also incorrectly learned that I only have value from others, not myself or God. I expect this also comes from Insecure Attachment. 

As part of the pre-work for the Crucible Project, I've asked three people who are close to me and asked them 3 things that they like the most about you and 3 things they like the least (what would they like to change about you if they could?).  Here are their answers.  I need to write down my reactions to these. 3 things I like the most: Diligence in serving other men, such as the men’s convention leader. Active in seeking accountability. Honesty André values friendship and is keen to spend time together. André very openly professes his faith and is keen to discuss it. André is vulnerable, trusting and happy to share what’s on his mind. André's loyalty André's caring nature André's will and commitment to improve himself. André's playfulness, kindness and loyal friendship André's pursuit of Christ in spite of significant life challenges  André's willingness to do the work you need to do to heal and become a whole, mature man. 3 things I would change: Same pas